Myth vs Truth

Love:  n. (1) an intense feeling of deep affection  (2) a person or thing that one loves.
v.  a deep romantic feeling or sexual attachment to.  [courtesy of Webster's online dictionary]


After paying attention to some of the status updates I've read on facebook, I've come to the conclusion that 99% of the people I'm connected to all share one thing in common.  Love.  The endless search for it.  The endless need to feel it. The endless desire to understand it.  How do you define something that a lot of people don't know what it is, what it looks like, or what to do with it even if/when they find it.  Let's look at what the world teaches us about love.

"A heart that hurts, is a heart in love".  If you're in love with someone, it's supposed to hurt.  Why would ANYONE enjoy pain?  So this quote is saying, if you're hurting because you love someone, it's SUPPOSED to feel that way.  It solidifies that your love is real.  Thank you, but I'll pass on THIS type of love. 

"No one falls in love by CHOICE.  It's by chance.  No one stays in love by chance.  It's by work  And no one falls out of love by chance, it's by choice."  So I can fall in love with anyone, even if I'm already in a relationship with someone else, and say it's by chance.  If one can CHOOSE to fall OUT of love, why can't someone choose to fall IN love?  This kind of love would make a slave out of those that believe this love is the real love.  You don't have a choice.  I don't want to experience a love that I feel I'm a prisoner to.  Thank you, but I'll pass on THIS kind of love also.

In 2009, American Idol hopeful Jordin Sparks is found singing "Battlefield" on youtube.  In this song, she talks about how vulnerable she feels because she's in love. " One minute it's love and the next it's like a battlefield.  Why does love always feel like a battlefield?"  According to this song, better put some armor on if you find yourself loving someone.  You need to protect yourself since love is the same as war.  If you're always fighting a war with the one you love, it's OK.  It's normal.  That's what love is.  I HATE confrontation.  I do not want ANY part of THIS kind of love.

Love is defined in many ways in the Bible.  The first is found in 1 John 4:8 "God is love."  Love is one of the main characteristics of God.  Since we are created in His image, we are designed by Him to have the capacity to love.  God created our hearts which makes us feel.  He also created the Love that makes it real.  The Bible speaks of 2 kinds of love:  agape, and phileo.  Agape love is the kind of love God pours out onto us and is displayed by the cross.  Agape love is God's love which is unconditional. The only way for us humans to experience Agape love is to have a relationship with God.  Non believers are incapable of experiencing Agape love since God IS Agape love.  God's love is giving without the expectation of anything in return.

Phileo love is the kind of love that both believers and non believers can experience.  Phileo is translated from Greek as "brotherly love".   This is the kind of love that both believers and nonbelievers have the ability to feel.  As humans, we have a tendency to have conditional love.  We base how much we love by the emotions and actions of those around us.  As believers, we are called to exhibit the type of love that God has shown to us.  Since we as believers have the ability to experience God's love, we are taught to extend that love to those around us. 

The kind of love that I want to experience is that which doesn't make me prisoner, that which doesn't hurt, and that which doesn't feel like I'm fighting a war. 


THIS is the love I want to experience.  1 Corinthians 13:4-7  One that I can make mistakes and won't be held against me.  [it keeps no record of wrongs]  One that doesn't have an ulterior motive [it is not self-seeking]  One that will never fail [always perseveres]  We are imperfect beings incapable of ever producing anything perfect.  The only way to experience this perfect Love is through a relationship with the One that created it.  According to the Bible, Love is displayed by caring in action.  Love is not something we feel, but rather Love is something we DO.

A Christmas to Remember

Immanuel, translated "God with us."

 

 

When I was young, my mother and my father were divorced.  In fact, as far back as I can remember, my parents were never together.  When I think of my childhood, I have good memories, but there are quite a few not so good memories too.  Both of my parents eventually remarried and eventually had more children with their 2nd spouses.  I have one sister that shares the same mother and the same father as I do.  The other 6 have only one parent that we share. 

 

The relationship I had with my step-mother was as though she had given birth to me, and as this relationship developed, the relationship between my mother and myself became estranged.  My mother and I had a rough patch where we didn't speak to each other for a period of time.  Looking back on it, I was hurting, but I didn't know what from.  Later, I would learn that divorce hurts a LOT more than just the parents involved, no matter how old you are.  It SUCKED being a kid and having to decide which side to be loyal to the most.  It was like trying to cheer for both teams playing against each other.  It's not natural.

 

In a previous post I mentioned that I was baptized for the first time in January of 2012.  I KNEW my life would be different....but I had no idea the works God had in progress.  There was a point in my life I thought I would never live to see the day that the relationship between my mother and I would be the kind that my heart desired for so long.  We didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things, and it seemed we were destined to not agree on anything.  After being baptized, I realized that God is a God that can restore ... and He's the ONLY one that can restore.  When our relationship with God isn't right, no other relationships in our life can be right.  I had a conversation with my step mother shortly after being baptized about my mother.  I was confused on what I needed to do to mend that broken relationship.  In my step-mother's words, "You need to pray for your mother.  God calls us to pray for those relationships we have a difficult time with."  This seemed like the best advice I had ever been given.  I had tried several other attempts, but I had never actually prayed for my relationship with her.  It was at that time I began praying for her, for my sisters, and for their hearts to hear God's voice.  I prayed for restoration, for peace, and for them to someday know the awesome power of God's love.

 

Fast forward to late summer of 2013.  I received a call from my mother telling me that her and my sister were part of a re-affirmation of faith ceremony taking place at the church they had been attending.  Hold on.  WHAT???!!!!  MY  MOTHER AND SISTER WERE AFFIRMING THEIR FAITH IN CHURCH??!!!!  God is so FAITHFUL. 

 

This Christmas, I have a lot to rejoice about.  I have a new husband, a new family, a new life to share with my best friend.  God has blessed me with so much more than I will ever deserve.  I was asked what I wanted for Christmas, and to be honest, I have NOTHING I want or need.  I received the most amazing gift last night.  It was unexpected, but definitely the best gift ever.  It was the Resurrection Life Church's annual Women's Christmas Tea.  I decided to host my own table and decorate it all girly and Christmasy and invite some pretty special women in my life to come.  This included my mother, my step mother, and my 3 sisters.  This also meant that my mother and my step-mother would be sitting across from each other at the same table.  This has never been done before. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed that God would allow this night to happen.  After sending the invites out to all the ladies, I was overwhelmed by the response.  Everyone invited was coming.  And for the record, my mother and step-mother knew about each other coming before the tea, and yet they both were happy to come. 

 

At the Christmas Tea, our guest singer/speaker was Ilonka Deaton.  If you have never heard of her or her voice, you MUST.  She is extremely talented and gifted and I could listen to her sing me to sleep every night.  Simply Amazing.  You can find her here:  ILONKA DEATON.  Ilonka's testimony is beautiful.  It's a story of triumph and victory.  I had NO idea what was about to happen.  My older sister, the one that we share both the same parents, broke down crying at the end of Ilonka's testimony.  In her words, "It was like I was the only one in the room and she was speaking directly to me."  My younger sister, whom we share only the same mother, shared later that she heard God's voice speaking directly to her as Ilonka was speaking.  My mother and my step-mother sat at the same table across from each other and laughed together.  WHAT??!!!  MY MOTHER AND STEP-MOTHER SAT ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER AND LAUGHED TOGETHER.  This had never happened in the history of my mother and step-mother.  My sisters were hearing God's voice for the first time EVER!!!  THIS was the best Christmas gift God could ever have given me.  Seeing my family come together in God's name was one thing.  Knowing they could hear him was something completely different.  I couldn't help but cry tears of phenomenal Joy that this occurred, and I got to witness it!  God orchestrated this entire event JUST for this moment.  I just got to be his hands, feet and mouth to follow through with His plan.  There is no greater gift or feeling that could ever replace that.  No amount of money, no amount of material gifts that I could ever receive that would replace the Joy that filled my heart. 

 

I am so thankful for everything I have been blessed with, but I am the MOST thankful for God's amazing love being poured out onto the women in my life that are the most special to me.  The best part is that after THIS life, we will spend eternity praising the One that made moments like this possible.

  

 



Overcomer

As promised, here is my revelation post.  The one that describes the physical changes my body went through and the moment I understood the kind of faith it takes to step out of my own boat and walk on the water with Jesus.

I looked at myself one morning and realized the damaging effects of taking steroids for 2 weeks.  Forget about the science part of it, they physical effects were far more damaging.  What I saw in the mirror disgusted me.  None of my clothes fit me anymore and I truly felt like I weighed nearly a ton.  To make matters worse, a massage client of mine had noticed my rapid weight gain.  She had stated, "are you feeling ok dear?  You look a little puffy in your face."  Boy if she only knew what ran through my mind. 

So I did some research on the medications that my neurologist was wanting me to start taking.  All of these medications were administered through an injection, similar to what a diabetic has to do to take insulin.  The common side effects were flu like symptoms 2-4 hours post injection, headache, irritability, redness and swelling at the injection site, suicidal tendencies, and the list goes on.  NONE of this sounded like I would be OK with dealing.  If at this point it's only a RISK of developing MS, I couldn't fathom taking a medication that would affect me in that way.  The bottom line was I found a study that researched the efficacy of 2 MS medications.  Essentially, it was a study for those people who had a one time event like I did that didn't take any medication versus people who had a one time event like I had that did take medication and the time frame of relapse (when another event happened).  As it turns out, they were separated by only MONTHS....not YEARS.  It was this piece of information that I decided I would refuse medication and give this ENTIRELY over to God.

When I sat down with my husband to explain my reasons why I didn't want to take medication, he was hesitant.  He warned me to not take on the attitude that I can do nothing and God will heal me.  We had several conversations about faith requiring ACTION.  That's when I decided my action would consist of BELIEVING I had already been healed, even if I didn't FEEL healed.  CHANGING my lifestyle... eating habits, exercising habits, making better choices, etc.  So I reached out to a dear friend of mine that had completed a training program and totally changed her life.  She was eating the foods that I KNEW I had to begin eating.  She was a genius in my eyes for the way her life was changed through different eating habits and exercise.  If you'd like to read a bit about her story, here's her link:  Alex Street.

Alex's foundation of faith is very similar to mine.  We believe the same about God and our trust in him is equivocal.  I KNEW I could trust Alex to point me in the right direction.  When she reached out to me, knowing my situation, I explained to her that I needed a radical change in my lifestyle.  I knew the nutrition my body so needed in order to get healthy again.  She talked to me about a new program beachbody was releasing and thought it would be perfect for my work and family schedule.  She was AMAZING at supporting the highs AND lows I went through.  Alex introduced me to Focus T25 and beachbody's super nutritious shake called shakeology.  Through the next 10 weeks I would push my body harder than I had in a very long time.

Alex had encouraged me to take a before picture.  Something to look back on the when the feeling of NOT exercising ever hit me.  Something to remind myself WHY I started in the first place.  I decided in order to give myself an accurate depiction of what I looked like, I would put on my bikini.  Boy was I depressed when I saw myself in the mirror.  Here's what I looked like BEFORE my life changed:



Fat rolls EVERYWHERE ... totally  NOT what I thought I would see.  I had roughly 20lbs to lose, just to get back to what I weighed when I married my husband in March.  I HATED what I saw.

Alex had helped with educating me how to lose weight HEALTHY.  What choices I needed to make in planning meals and reducing cravings.  I love food.  I enjoyed diet coke and coffee and sweets.  It was during this time I learned a TON about why we crave certain foods.  As it turns out, our bodies start craving certain foods because of the nutrition it's LACKING.  hmmm ... who knew?

I stepped on the scale at the beginning of my journey and measured my waist, my bust, and my hips.  I vowed to not step on the scale again until I was halfway through my lifestyle change.  I didn't want to feel defeat before I was halfway through.   That number on the scale was my focus to begin with, but like many other things in my life, my focus changed.  It began to be more about what I saw in my body, and not the number on the scale.

5 weeks later, I took another picture, in the same bikini.  I was SHOCKED when I slipped it on.  After taking the first picture, I left the ties on the side of the bottoms exactly as they were that dreadful day.  When I slipped it on 5 weeks later it was too big!  My hard work was paying off even IF the scale didn't show it like I thought it should.  5 weeks later, my body had changed.

While the scale didn't reflect the pounds I had lost, I had lost inches.  Inches around my waist, around my hips and around my bust.  I was ecstatic!  Finally I was seeing changes in my body.  I was eating healthy, I was exercising daily, I was praising God for the changes I was making in my life and the best part was when my new husband took notice of my efforts.

A lot of the workouts I had done were modified to what I was capable of doing.  I pushed myself, but often times during my workouts, the vision in my eye would become impaired, temporarily.  I liked to think of it as the moment that healing was taking place.  My depth perception was slightly off.  Instead of listening to the voice in my head that said I was going to experience another attack, I praised God and recited his word, "By His stripes you are healed," and "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." God had done some pretty amazing things on my inside and I wanted the outside to match the inside.

In the story of Jesus walking on the water, Jesus was watching the boat the disciples were in as the storm was moving in over the water.  So He decided to visit them, by walking on the water TO them.  Through the chaos, through the turmoil, Jesus met the disciples right where they were.  Peter was so amazed he asked Jesus if he could walk to him on the water.  Jesus' answered yes, come!  Peter stepped out of the boat and began walking on the water WITH Jesus.  It wasn't until Peter became distracted by the wind and the waves that he began to sink.  Peter's faith made it possible to walk on the water, but when his focus was taken off of Jesus, he lost sight of his faith, causing him to begin sinking.  What does this teach us about our faith?  As long as our focus is on Him, we will NEVER sink.    What happened next was amazing.  Jesus picked Peter right up and brought him back to safety.  It was then that Jesus commanded the wind and the storm to cease and it did. 

Right around this transformation time, Mandisa came out with a new song called Overcomer.  What an inspiration it was during this time for me.  Jesus overcame death for us so that we can overcome whatever it is that hits us.  In her video, Mandisa showcases celebrities that have overcome cancer, brain tumors, and weight issues. I have also included a link to my beachbody website for those that would like some more information on the products I used and what worked for me:
Change Happens Now  

When Love sees you

It was the third day I was undergoing IV steroids.  When the doctor had told me some common side effects I would experience included insomnia, irritability, and eating non stop, he wasn't kidding.  I would fall asleep ok at my normal bed time, but I would sleep for a maximum of 3-4 hours before I would wake up.  And the possibility of falling back asleep was non existent.  For a brief period I believed this was the worst side effect, but a week later I realized it wasn't.  I would deal with the insomnia and irritability before I would ever deal with this ONE side effect that drove me NUTS.

I woke up on day 5 of steroids.  The plan was to take oral steroids for 2 weeks to wean my system off of them.  I went into the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for the day.  When I looked in the mirror, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  I didn't even recognize my own face.  I had gained approximately 10 lbs of water weight in just 5 short days.  I was bloated.  I thought, maybe if I just put some make up on, it'll look normal, or at least how I KNOW I am supposed to look.  Unfortunately, it didn't help.

Then the voice in my head started whispering things in my ear.  You're fat.  You're ugly.  You're gross.  No amount of anything will help you look better.  I couldn't get past my physical appearance.  God had done such awesome work inside of me, that I LONGED for the outside to look how the inside felt.  It was this very moment I was feeling hopeless and decided to blast the radio to take my mind off of the revelation I had just experienced about the way I saw myself.   Here's what I heard:



What an amazing reminder right when I needed it.  While I was busy concerned about the outward appearance, God didn't see ANY of that.  I mean ANY.  He didn't see the physical side.  While I saw my broken-ness and my struggles, He didn't.  While I saw the shame that my husband must have been seeing about marrying me, Neither my husband nor God saw any of that.  God saw the opportunity to make his power perfect.  It is written in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  I was weak and unable to stand by myself, but God's power is PERFECT when I'm weak.  I reminded myself of that over and over and over until one summer afternoon......

It wasn't until August one afternoon that my eyesight in my right eye came back .... normal.  I could see the same out of my right eye as I could in my left eye.  Praise GOD.  I had never been more joyful in my life. 

In 3 months time, here's what I have learned.  First, I am NOT invincible, nor am I untouchable.  Just because the power of God lives inside me, doesn't make me perfect.  It certainly doesn't make me immune to any of Satan's attacks.  In fact, it makes me MORE of a target, and I'm honored that Satan sees me that way.  Second, God didn't do this TO me, He allowed this FOR me.  I have a heart for those suffering from MS.  Those in limbo awaiting a definite diagnosis, and those that have suffered from the symptoms of MS.  It's awful and wretched.  The desire of my heart is that my story would reach someone and touch their heart in the same way God touched mine.  There was never a point in my life that I had ever leaned on God's strength like I did during this past year.  Third, Satan is AWESOME at disguising his lies to appear as though it were truth.

 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  This included losing over 20lbs of weight I had gained during the course of steroids I had taken.  This included changing my lifestyle, my eating habits, my exercise habits, and my thoughts about my physical appearance.  This included praising him when I was afraid and praising him when my heart was heavy. The next post will show the radical changes I made to my diet and exercise and the person that stood next to me during that journey. 

I Lay Me Down

"Then He sent them out to tell everyone about the kingdom of God and to heal the sick" Luke 9:11

At church one morning while looking at our weekly church bulletin, I noticed they were advertising a healing service coming up in a couple weeks.  I KNEW I needed to attend that service with or without my husband.  I had been keeping a prayer journal of all the verses that I kept reading, and attending a healing service seemed appropriate.

I had been reading stories about the woman whose faith was so great that she thought "If I just touch his robe I will be healed".  She touched Jesus' feet and was healed instantly of her bleeding disorder.  [Luke 8:44]  I had read stories of the miraculous healing Jesus' performed while he walked here on Earth and kept a record of the ones that somehow kept coming up over and over. 

Saturday, June 29, 2013, I was excited to be at the healing service at church.  I had made up my mind I was going to keep my heart open to whatever it was that God wanted to show me, or teach me.  We began the service, as we always do, with praise and worship music.  This service was different though. All the praise and worship music was about healing, and restoring.  I couldn't help but lift my arms up to God praising him for allowing a sickness to be an opportunity to draw closer to him.  During the service, our pastor began teaching about the awesome healing power God has.  It talks over and over in the new testament about being able to lay your hands on someone and heal them.  Jesus did it, and he told the disciples they would be able to do it too.  The verses the pastor was quoting were the exact same verses I had been studying and reading over and over and over again.  This was far from coincidence.  I realized I was resting on the right promise.  The promise of healing that I read from the first day everything happened with my eye.

The pastor called the congregation to the alter if anyone was in need of physical healing.  I had thought I would be one of the FEW people that went to the alter.  WRONG!  90% of the congregation had gone up to the alter.  As the pastor began going down the line in front of the stage placing his hands on people, they began to fall down.  Yeah, fall down.  I was puzzled by this.  So I turned to my husband, whom I dragged down to the front, and quietly asked him why they were falling down.  he said some people do, some people don't.  He warned me that if I didn't fall down, in no way did that mean that I didn't receive anything from God.  So I kept singing "Overcome" by Jeremy Camp and patiently awaited the moment the pastor would lay his hands on me and pray.

During the song "Overcome", I began to cry.  Not tears of sadness, but tears of TRUTH.  My eyesight in my right eye was not normal during this time.  In fact, I couldn't see very well out of it at all.  Everything was blurry.  The truth is, God was right there with me.  The truth is, He never left me nor did he ever forsake me.  The truth is, I WILL overcome this obstacle, or rather mountain, and I will tell this mountain, fall into the sea, and it WILL be gone.

 I had a Kleenex in my right hand as the pastor stood in front of me.  I remember him holding the hand of mine that was clenching the Kleenex, and touching my face with his other hand.  I can't begin to tell you what happened next, as I remember seeing a light, and then opening my eyes.  I was sitting on the floor, tears pouring out of my eyes.  I was slightly disoriented as I was trying to figure out HOW I got from standing to sitting on the floor.  I looked to my right, and the lady that was once standing was now sitting next to me.  I looked to my left, and the lady that was standing to my left was now laying on the floor.  My husband came over to me after witnessing what had just happened, and helped me up.  HOLY COW!  What an experience that had been.

I'm not going to tell you my eyesight was miraculously normal again.  I'm not going to tell you that I walked out of there with no evidence of illness or disease.  I'm not even going to tell you that scientifically, I'm healed.  I walked out of the church that night knowing I got to feel God's touch.  I believe that God has the ability to enter our bodies at any time and touch every part of us at the same time, which is exactly what happened that Saturday night at church.  I can do the possible.  God does the IMpossible.  I can do the natural.  God does the SUPERnatural.   I am a work in progress, and still every day I continue to praise him for EVERYTHING.  The stuff I like and even more so, the stuff I DON'T.  The trials AND the changes.  We overcome by the words of our testimony and the blood of the lamb.  God is bigger than THIS.  God is bigger than ME.  How awesome a perspective to have.  NOTHING formed against ME will stand.  Now to just get my eyesight back to normal.  That would come, but will address that in another post.  Until then, Oh Happy Day to be found in the presence of God!

  

Hello, My name is _________

Worn out  adjective 1.  To be tired, or completely exhausted.  2.  old, shabby, or of no use i.e. worn out shoes.

During my time of being on IV steroids, and during the 2 week course of oral steroids that followed, I felt worn out, by both definitions.

 I was exhausted.  When the side effect of insomnia was communicated to me, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Insomnia is NO joke.  I was functioning on about 3 hours of sleep a night.  I would wake up at 3 am wide awake and start cleaning the house, making breakfast, doing laundry, etc.  I had no idea what else to do.  By the time I was supposed to head to work, I was ready for a nap. This cycle continued until I was almost done taking the oral steroid.  To say the least, my routine was flipped upside down and turned inside out.

I kept thinking to myself, I feel like a burden to my husband.  He has to help make dinner; He has to help with laundry; He has to help with the duties I am responsible for.  Thus, making me feel like the second definition of worn out.  Even more discouraging, I began feeling a sort of numbness down my arms.  I had gained roughly 20 lbs of weight during the 2 week course of steroids.  I remember looking at myself in the mirror, and not even recognizing the person staring back at me.  With the amount of weight I had gained, my fingers were puffy, thus making it difficult to wear my wedding ring.  The ring that represented the promise my husband had made to me, and the ring I loved wearing so dearly, was too tight for my fat, chubby, sausage like fingers.

As I stated previously, God speaks to me through music.  One night I was feeling rather down about everything that had changed so drastically in a matter of a few weeks.  I fell asleep with a heavy heart seriously doubting things would be "normal" again.  Whatever "normal" really was.  I awoke the next morning and began listening to the radio.  The first words I heard were:

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

Yep, precisely how I was feeling.  Finally, someone had put into song what I had been feeling. Someone understood I felt that way. Better yet, I wasn't the only one on this planet feeling this way,  or to ever have felt as I was.  The next verse was just the reminder I needed.

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn

 

 

I decided I was done with my pity party.  I needed to do something about the weight I had gained, but that will come in another post.  I have some AWESOME pictures to show you of my journey!  I dove deep into God's word.  I had to remind myself of who I was, and who he created me to be.  My identity was NOT what was wrong with me.  My identity did NOT come from a label of a disease.  My identity DID come from God.  Hello, my name is Child of the ONE true king.  The same power that raised Christ from the grave, lives in me.  The same power that can move mountains into a sea, lives in me.  THAT'S who I am. 

 

Enjoy the full version of Tenth Avenue North's song, Worn via YouTube.  Know that God can restore and all that's dead inside, WILL be reborn.  I'm living proof!

 



Strangely Dim

Ryan and I have always enjoyed an active lifestyle.  We both love playing and watching sports.  In the fall of 2012, we played on our first co-ed softball league.  I had never played softball, but I was looking forward to being on the same team with him and all of our closest friends.  While I couldn't hit the ball that far, I was able to get on base a few times.  I had never scored that fall, and I was disappointed.  According to my awesome father in law, I was the most improved person on our team.

In the Spring, shortly before experiencing issues with my eye, Ryan and I decided to play co-ed softball again.  We were super excited to start again and this year, I fully intended on scoring at least once.  At my first bat, I hit the ball and got right on first base.  Ryan was set to be at bat right behind me.  He hit the ball wayyyyyy into the outfield and I scored my first run.  I was so excited to finally have scored for the first time ever.  I thought, What a great way to start the season off!  Little did I know that one time scoring would be the last time I played.

After the MRI of my brain was completed, the doctor wanted to do another MRI of my spine.  This would indicate if there were any lesions on my spinal cord.  If there were lesions on my spinal cord, it would indicate where the next exacerbation, or attack, could happen.  Once again, I headed down to the hospital around midnight and once again I spent the whole time thanking God for this very situation.  Somewhere in my mind, I thought that this test would reveal things I was not prepared for.  Instead of dwelling on that thought, I dwelled on the promise of Matthew 15:28 "Woman, you have great faith, I will do as you have asked." 

Two days later, I received the call from the neurologist.  Spinal MRI was NORMAL.  Normal.  what does that mean?  Normal, as in everything was as it was supposed to be.  No lesions.  NOTHING that indicated anything was ever wrong.  Normal.  I cried.  I wept.  I jumped up and down.  I screamed "THANK YOU, LORD!"  I had never been more thankful in my LIFE.  Shortly after learning of my normal MRI results, the doctor ordered a spinal tap.  He wanted to test the CSF fluid to make sure he wasn't missing any other reason my eye was not normal.  A week after the spinal tap was performed, I learned that my CSF was NORMAL.  Normal, normal, normal.  What a need to celebrate God's eternal love and mercy and grace.

 That victory was short lived however.  At my last check up with the neurologist, he decided he wanted me to start taking a medication to prevent another attack from happening.  The medication was done as injectable .... that I had to administer.  There were 4 different kinds of medications to choose from.  As I left the doctor's office that day, I felt confused.  I had to pick which medication to start taking.... all with different side effects.  This was not a decision I would take lightly, and realized God and I had some talking to do.

Where does my faith come in when given the opportunity to take medication?  God already had shown me He was going to heal me.  I knew that in my heart.  I don't want to be the type of believer that thinks, Oh God will save me, and then turn away from every avenue He provides to be saved, or rather, healed.    The conversation God and I had went something like this:

                    ME:  God, am I supposed to take medication for what is wrong
                             with me?  How does taking medication glorify You, when
                             science will take all the credit?
                   GOD:  Don't be afraid.  Just have Faith and you will be healed,  Luke 8:50
                              You can pray for anything, and if you believe that you've
                              already received it, it will be yours.  Mark 11:22

God's got a sense of humor.  He answered the first question, but not the second.  I suppose that was the most important question anyhow.  Now to tell my family and friends I was refusing the medication the specialists were wanting me to take. 

I researched and researched and researched the medications.  Possible side effects were:  Pain at the injection site. flu like symptoms for 24-48 hours post injection.  Suicidal tendencies.  Insomnia.  Fever. just to name a few.  During this research period, the bottom line was this:  these medications didn't do much more for preventing an attack as a seatbelt does in preventing a car accident.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen without my control.  Why then, would I take medication that is going to make me feel the way the side effects are telling me I would feel?  NOT for me, and God's got my back.

It was a difficult conversation that night.  I sat Ryan down and explained to him what God was telling me about taking medication.  I explained to him that I will change my diet, change my lifestyle, change my exercise habits and get HEALTHY.  Do my body a favor and God by showing my body is God's temple.  If I had another attack, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years down the road, I will choose the medication.  Until then, I can't take medication for something I don't think I have.  I believed I was healed. His response was this:  "You're not doing nothing, you're still doing something.  You're changing your lifestyle habits.  You're not just waiting for God to reach down and say, 'You're healed.'  I don't like this, but will support you."

God uses music to speak to me.  Until the next post, enjoy the following song and listen to the lyrics.  Francesca has such an angelic voice, but it was the lyrics that somehow spoke directly to me.  When all the emotions of fear, disappointment, and struggle set in, fix your eyes on him, and somehow all those emotions will seem strangely dim.

By His stripes, you are healed

It was the morning of May 6.  It began like every other morning with the exception my right eye was killing me.  I had assumed with Spring beginning to unfold, it was my allergies and hadn't thought much more about it.  Medicine will take the pain away, I thought.  I mentioned something about it to my husband and neither of us seemed to be too concerned with it.  I took some allergy medicine, and figured I'd feel better before the day was done.

It was the week of May 13.  The pain in my right eye was still present and now causing headaches.  I still assumed it was my allergies as Spring was in full force.  On the afternoon of May 14, I began noticing changes in my vision in my right eye.  It was as though someone had taken my picture with a flash, and i could see the remanents of the bright flash everywhere I looked.  On May 15, I finally broke down and decided to visit a doctor.  I went to an urgent care clinic thinking it would be quicker and cheaper.  If in fact it was allergies, they would know right away. 

                                  9:00AM:  After spending what seemed like 30 seconds with the urgent care physician he informed me I would need to see an opthalmologist.  They would be gracious enough to refer me to one and call with the information later that day.
                                 12:00PM:  Received a call from the opthalmologist office my appointment would be at 1:15.  PERFECT, I thought.  I get to see someone right away about this.
                                   1:00PM:  Arrived at Spectrum Health Opthalmologist and was seen right away.  My eyes were dilated and numbed up.  A series of tests were done on my eye, and a TON of really cool pictures of the back of my eye were taken.  After approximately 3 hours, it was determined my optic nerve in my right eye was inflammed.  I needed to begin a course of IV infusion of Prednisone to speed up the healing process and make the inflammation go away.  I was then referred to a neuro-opthalmologist for continued care.
                                  4:30PM:  Began my first infusion of Prednisone through my IV.  It took approximately an hour to complete.  I was anxiously waiting to see the neuro-opthalmologist to determine what in the WORLD was wrong with me.  This would be what the next 3 days would look like for me.  Going to the hospital, receiving my Prednisone through IV, and waiting.

May 16:  My first appointment with the neuro-opthalmologist.  He talks to me about my test results from a couple days before and mentions I need to have an MRI of my brain to determine the cause of the inflammation.  THIS IS JUST MY ALLERGIES, I thought.  I don't know WHY I need an MRI for allergies, but whatever.  I was told in 24 hours his office would call me and let me know the results of the MRI.  Thank GOD i'm not waiting 2 weeks to find out, I thought.

May 17:  It's Midnight.  I should be home asleep, instead, I'm at the hospital getting ready for an MRI of my brain.  I NEVER thought I'd be afraid or nervous, or anxious about having a medical test done, but this was scary.  I'm slightly claustrophobic and that machine can make ANYONE feel uncomfortable.  As the test began I did the ONLY thing I knew to do.  Pray.  Talk to God.  It was during this prayer I caught myself THANKING Him.  Thanking him for creating me perfect in his eyes.  Thanking Him for the trials of this situation.  Thanking Him for my amazing husband.  Thanking Him for the doctors that were taking care of me.  Thanking Him for EVERYTHING.  The peace that passes all understanding created in me a peace that almost made me fall asleep....IN THE MRI TUBE. 

Well, 24 hours later I began experiencing severe shortness of breath and I felt HORRIBLE.  I ended up in the ER where they would evaluate my lung function.  At this time, it was determined the shortness of breath was a side effect of having 3 days worth of a steroid in my system.  During this particular ER visit, my neuro-opthalmologist visited me.  With my husband at my side, he informed us that the MRI showed scar tissue lesions on my brain that were indicative of Multiple Sclerosis.  Bottom line:  I was at a 75% risk of developing MS in the next 5-10 years.  I looked at my new husband and immediately felt ashamed and sorry that he had married me.  It had only been 6 weeks since we said our "I do's".  I did the only thing every new wife would do in this situation.  I cried.  I wept.  Right there.  In front of the hopsital staff and my husband.   The neurologist also stated that I had a 25% chance that I would live the rest of my life without having another incident ever happen again in my life.  I decided I'm that 25%.

The ride home was a long and somber one.  I knew my husband and I had to talk about this, but what do I say????  What is there to talk about???  I looked over at him with tears in my eyes and was shocked to see he was crying too.  "Why are you crying, honey," I asked him.  "Because you're crying," was his reply.  "I'm so sorry," I told him.  "Well, you're that 25%, Hannah.  You don't need to worry about anything,"  He replied.  Later that night before falling asleep with heavy hearts, we prayed.  We thanked God for all that he has done, and all that he continues to do.  We then asked for healing of my physical body, quoting God' word, "By his stripes they are healed." 

The next morning during our morning devotionals, my husband picked up his little devotional book and the verse on May 18 read:  "Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith!  I will do as you have asked.'" Matthew 15:28  Not only did I NOT have to worry whether my faith was in the right place, but my reward for my faith was that God was going to heal me.  I didn't know when, and I didn't know HOW, but I knew I would be healed.  In the next few blog posts, I will continue to share my journey, and show you how I can walk on water.

A Father' Love

In the weeks that followed the wedding, my new husband and I were attempting to figure out how we were going to keep Christ our focus in our marriage.  Ideas of HOW we pray together, read his word together, and talk about Him together was confusing us.  It wasn't until a tragic event happened to our close friends that we began to learn HOW to praise him in our marriage.

It happened one night during the week, the news of our friends' family members passing away suddenly, was shared with us.  My initial reaction was, WHY would God allow such a humble, God seeking family to suffer THIS kind of loss?  In a split second, my mind answered that question with, God didn't DO this.  John 10:10 "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  I have come so that they may have life, and have it to the full."  We began praying constantly for this family, pouring our hearts out to them in loving support.  We were learning how to pray together through our friends' pain and suffering.  Through this prayer one morning, I had a revelation about God, our Father.

When both of my children were younger, I can remember them trying to take their first steps.  How encouraging I tried to be and how difficult it was to watch them tumble down every time they tried to walk.  When my son was around 9 months old (he was walking by this point) he began to climb.  He was NOT afraid of heights like I was, nor was he afraid to fall.  Every time he attempted to climb on the table, the bed, climb OUT of his bed, etc., my reaction was always to be right there so he wouldn't get hurt.  It wasn't until he took a fall out of his crib early one morning that he LEARNED he probably shouldn't climb out.  He also learned that when he was hurting, mom was right there to help.  It wasn't horrible, and he was fine, however, he wasn't free from a few bumps and bruises.

Can't we all relate?  We've all been hurt, with the bumps and bruises to prove it.  I'm the type of person, and I'm certain my parents can attest to this, that can NOT learn from what I'm told, but through my own experience good or bad.  Every decision we make has a consequence to it, good or bad.  I've heard it said, Life doesn't come with an instruction manual, but it DOES.... the Holy Bible.  God's word is his plan for us.  How we are supposed to love;  How we are supposed to live;  How we are supposed to cling to Him. 

The book of Job is one of my favorite stories to read, especially in times of trying to understand the age old question, "WHY?"  God doesn't promise a life free from pain, or struggle, or hardship, or tragedy.  What He does promise is a life full of Love...perfect unending Love.  The book of Job doesn't answer the question why.  The truth is, we live in a fallen world, and because of this fallen world, we know pain, sorrow, disappointment and struggle.  In a conversation Job had with God, God ultimately tells Job that He knows everything.  Nothing is a surprise to Him. (Job 38:4-5 "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?  Tell me, if you know so much.  Who determined its dimensions and stretched the surveying line?")  Job realizes that God knows all and praises Him ( Job 42:2 "I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you.") and God returns TEN fold (10 to the 10th power) all that was taken from Job.  (Job 42:12 So the Lord blessed Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning...)

Pain is always difficult, however, when we lean on Christ to carry us through our pain, it leads to a deeper relationship with Him.  Our friends had no idea of the suffering they would endure at the tragic loss of their family members.  Through their pain and suffering, they experienced God's power and love.  Through their suffering, my new husband and myself, learned how to pray together and how to draw nearer to Him.  A result I'm certain Satan wasn't aware of.  

Confessions of a Newlywed Wife

 

Here I am almost 3 weeks post wedding ceremony, and I find myself confronted with idiosyncrasies that are unexpected.  I am BLESSED to be married to the love of my life.  A God fearing, loving, humble, strong man in which I am completely and utterly in love with.  Before the confessions, a little background about the 2 of us.

 

We are both in our 30's, both have been married once before, and both have children as a product of those previous marriages.  We both made the choice long ago that we didn't want to have any more children after our 2nd child was born, therefore, had taken steps to sterilize ourself in that regard.  It had been 3 years since my separation from my ex husband when I met Ryan; only 6 months since his divorce was final when Ryan met me.

 

God's design for marriage:

Ephesians 5:3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.  NO SEX UNTIL MARRIAGE .... this INCLUDES once married but no longer individuals.  Not just the individuals who have never been married before ... as my puny little brain wanted to believe at some point or another in my life.



Ephesians 5:18  Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Drunkenness leads to bad decisions, bad decisions lead to inappropriate actions, inappropriate actions can lead to a breakdown of the marriage.

 Ephesians 5:23  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.  Men, by God's design, are the leaders in the house.  Wives are commanded to be accepting of their husband's role as the leader.  Just as husbands are commanded to love their wife as Christ loved the church,  "giving himself up for her"  Ephesians 5:24

 

God's design for WIVES

Proverbs 31:15  She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants.

Proverbs 31:20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

Proverbs 31:25  She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

Proverbs 31:28  Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.

Proverbs 31:30  Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

 

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Ryan and I had both agreed that we wouldn't have sex until we were married; nor would we live together before we were married.  A decision that the 2 of us wouldn't realize until later how difficult it would be to maintain. 

 

It was February 15, 2013 and he proposed at a Detroit Red Wings game.  Boy was I shocked when the proposal came.  In the conversations that ensued, with details about the wedding, it all seemed surreal to me.  Before long, we were talking about me packing up my house and 2 children and working on moving my things prior to the wedding.  When we officially moved all my things to his house, he would then stay at his parents until we were husband and wife.  It was going to be a blissful, busy time for us, but knowing that this was where God had led us made me believe it would be perfect.

Our honeymoon was awesome. We had the opportunity to spend an entire week after the wedding without our children.  A lot of our time was spent just enjoying the company of each other through hiking, walking, napping, and laughing. 

The first night our children came back to us (yes, all FOUR of them) was, to say the least, CHAOS.  That night I had to work until 6:30, which meant my new husband would be with all 4 children by himself for a few hours.  Most people wouldn't think this is a large task, however, reality hit like a brick being thrown in your face.  The blissful busy time that we experienced prior to the wedding came to a screaching hault, and the bliss packed up and left.  FOUR children needed to eat.  FOUR children needed baths.  FOUR children needed to brush their teeth and get ready for bed.  All this in a matter of 90 minutes.  To top it all off, my new husband was feeling overwhelmed, not from all the children but from all the STUFF that needed to be put away ... boxes, clothes, dishes, etc.

To see all this unfolding in front of me after a long day at work was, needless to say, overwhelming.  Why wasn't everything PERFECT????  This is NOT how I imagined our life being married.  An upset husband, and four children that were acting as though they hadn't seen each other in YEARS... bouncing off the walls.  It seemed the only time they were "settled down" was when they were shoveling food into their mouths... and that only lasted what felt like a second.

After all the children were in bed, and alseep (by 9:00.  don't ask me HOW that happened) we decided to watch the NCAA Men's Basketball final between UofM and Louisville.  Being a HUGE UofM fan myself, I felt OBLIGATED to watch the game.  We sat down and didn't speak much during the game.  Three minutes before the half, he tossed me the remote and said he was going to bed.  I KNEW he was upset, and I dreaded having to go to bed with him.  I KNEW we needed to talk about the night's activities, but dreaded the conversation that would take place.  I gave him an opportunity to get settled into bed and waited for the end of the period before turning in.

As I entered our bedroom, his back was turned toward the door.  The lights were off and I thought for a moment he had actually fallen asleep.  As I carefully slipped into bed, he asked who was ahead at the half.  I quietly responded UofM, and turned over.  What happened next I can't explain.  I asked him if i could cuddle up next him, and he quietly said Yes.  I NEEDED to feel his arms around me.  We merged together in the middle of our king sized bed and I lost it.  I started crying.... and not the kind of crying that you can easily hide.  The kind of crying that is more like weeping, and all I could think about was, "My poor husband.  He had no idea I was going to react like THIS."  So he calmly asked me what was wrong.  " I don't know," I wailed.  "I didn't know it was going to be like THIS. This is NOT how I pictured things with us being married."  "Hannah," he replied, "I love you."  As if I'm not crying hard enough as it is, I started crying harder.  From what I could muster out, in a small, squeaky, voice, I replied, "I love you, too, Ryan."  We then prayed for US, our marriage, our kids, and our house.  God grants peace to the weary and we quickly fell asleep... wrapped in each other's arms.

 

 In the days that followed we learned a few things about each other that we didn't know before;  things that we would only learn AFTER the wedding.  (1)  It's not that easy to live with someone when you're used to living with just your kids and yourself. (2) He is much more of a neat freak than he would ever have admitted to before the wedding. (3) When I get overwhelmed, I cry.  Who am I kidding?  I cry easily.  Sad stories, touching stories, a cute commercial, etc.  That's who I am.  (4) Patience truly IS a virtue.  It's also one of the fruits of the spirit.

Two weeks has passed since this night.  I am ever blessed with a husband who gives husbands around the world a GOOD name.  A man that WANTS to hear my opinion; WANTS to hear what's bothering me; WANTS to fix it (if i want him to).  A husband who is far from perfect, but who God is molding to be perfect for me.