Hello, My name is _________

Worn out  adjective 1.  To be tired, or completely exhausted.  2.  old, shabby, or of no use i.e. worn out shoes.

During my time of being on IV steroids, and during the 2 week course of oral steroids that followed, I felt worn out, by both definitions.

 I was exhausted.  When the side effect of insomnia was communicated to me, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Insomnia is NO joke.  I was functioning on about 3 hours of sleep a night.  I would wake up at 3 am wide awake and start cleaning the house, making breakfast, doing laundry, etc.  I had no idea what else to do.  By the time I was supposed to head to work, I was ready for a nap. This cycle continued until I was almost done taking the oral steroid.  To say the least, my routine was flipped upside down and turned inside out.

I kept thinking to myself, I feel like a burden to my husband.  He has to help make dinner; He has to help with laundry; He has to help with the duties I am responsible for.  Thus, making me feel like the second definition of worn out.  Even more discouraging, I began feeling a sort of numbness down my arms.  I had gained roughly 20 lbs of weight during the 2 week course of steroids.  I remember looking at myself in the mirror, and not even recognizing the person staring back at me.  With the amount of weight I had gained, my fingers were puffy, thus making it difficult to wear my wedding ring.  The ring that represented the promise my husband had made to me, and the ring I loved wearing so dearly, was too tight for my fat, chubby, sausage like fingers.

As I stated previously, God speaks to me through music.  One night I was feeling rather down about everything that had changed so drastically in a matter of a few weeks.  I fell asleep with a heavy heart seriously doubting things would be "normal" again.  Whatever "normal" really was.  I awoke the next morning and began listening to the radio.  The first words I heard were:

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

Yep, precisely how I was feeling.  Finally, someone had put into song what I had been feeling. Someone understood I felt that way. Better yet, I wasn't the only one on this planet feeling this way,  or to ever have felt as I was.  The next verse was just the reminder I needed.

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn

 

 

I decided I was done with my pity party.  I needed to do something about the weight I had gained, but that will come in another post.  I have some AWESOME pictures to show you of my journey!  I dove deep into God's word.  I had to remind myself of who I was, and who he created me to be.  My identity was NOT what was wrong with me.  My identity did NOT come from a label of a disease.  My identity DID come from God.  Hello, my name is Child of the ONE true king.  The same power that raised Christ from the grave, lives in me.  The same power that can move mountains into a sea, lives in me.  THAT'S who I am. 

 

Enjoy the full version of Tenth Avenue North's song, Worn via YouTube.  Know that God can restore and all that's dead inside, WILL be reborn.  I'm living proof!