Ryan and I have always enjoyed an active lifestyle. We both love playing and watching sports. In the fall of 2012, we played on our first co-ed softball league. I had never played softball, but I was looking forward to being on the same team with him and all of our closest friends. While I couldn't hit the ball that far, I was able to get on base a few times. I had never scored that fall, and I was disappointed. According to my awesome father in law, I was the most improved person on our team.
In the Spring, shortly before experiencing issues with my eye, Ryan and I decided to play co-ed softball again. We were super excited to start again and this year, I fully intended on scoring at least once. At my first bat, I hit the ball and got right on first base. Ryan was set to be at bat right behind me. He hit the ball wayyyyyy into the outfield and I scored my first run. I was so excited to finally have scored for the first time ever. I thought, What a great way to start the season off! Little did I know that one time scoring would be the last time I played.
After the MRI of my brain was completed, the doctor wanted to do another MRI of my spine. This would indicate if there were any lesions on my spinal cord. If there were lesions on my spinal cord, it would indicate where the next exacerbation, or attack, could happen. Once again, I headed down to the hospital around midnight and once again I spent the whole time thanking God for this very situation. Somewhere in my mind, I thought that this test would reveal things I was not prepared for. Instead of dwelling on that thought, I dwelled on the promise of Matthew 15:28 "Woman, you have great faith, I will do as you have asked."
Two days later, I received the call from the neurologist. Spinal MRI was NORMAL. Normal. what does that mean? Normal, as in everything was as it was supposed to be. No lesions. NOTHING that indicated anything was ever wrong. Normal. I cried. I wept. I jumped up and down. I screamed "THANK YOU, LORD!" I had never been more thankful in my LIFE. Shortly after learning of my normal MRI results, the doctor ordered a spinal tap. He wanted to test the CSF fluid to make sure he wasn't missing any other reason my eye was not normal. A week after the spinal tap was performed, I learned that my CSF was NORMAL. Normal, normal, normal. What a need to celebrate God's eternal love and mercy and grace.
That victory was short lived however. At my last check up with the neurologist, he decided he wanted me to start taking a medication to prevent another attack from happening. The medication was done as injectable .... that I had to administer. There were 4 different kinds of medications to choose from. As I left the doctor's office that day, I felt confused. I had to pick which medication to start taking.... all with different side effects. This was not a decision I would take lightly, and realized God and I had some talking to do.
Where does my faith come in when given the opportunity to take medication? God already had shown me He was going to heal me. I knew that in my heart. I don't want to be the type of believer that thinks, Oh God will save me, and then turn away from every avenue He provides to be saved, or rather, healed. The conversation God and I had went something like this:
ME: God, am I supposed to take medication for what is wrong
with me? How does taking medication glorify You, when
science will take all the credit?
GOD: Don't be afraid. Just have Faith and you will be healed, Luke 8:50
You can pray for anything, and if you believe that you've
already received it, it will be yours. Mark 11:22
God's got a sense of humor. He answered the first question, but not the second. I suppose that was the most important question anyhow. Now to tell my family and friends I was refusing the medication the specialists were wanting me to take.
I researched and researched and researched the medications. Possible side effects were: Pain at the injection site. flu like symptoms for 24-48 hours post injection. Suicidal tendencies. Insomnia. Fever. just to name a few. During this research period, the bottom line was this: these medications didn't do much more for preventing an attack as a seatbelt does in preventing a car accident. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen without my control. Why then, would I take medication that is going to make me feel the way the side effects are telling me I would feel? NOT for me, and God's got my back.
It was a difficult conversation that night. I sat Ryan down and explained to him what God was telling me about taking medication. I explained to him that I will change my diet, change my lifestyle, change my exercise habits and get HEALTHY. Do my body a favor and God by showing my body is God's temple. If I had another attack, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years down the road, I will choose the medication. Until then, I can't take medication for something I don't think I have. I believed I was healed. His response was this: "You're not doing nothing, you're still doing something. You're changing your lifestyle habits. You're not just waiting for God to reach down and say, 'You're healed.' I don't like this, but will support you."
God uses music to speak to me. Until the next post, enjoy the following song and listen to the lyrics. Francesca has such an angelic voice, but it was the lyrics that somehow spoke directly to me. When all the emotions of fear, disappointment, and struggle set in, fix your eyes on him, and somehow all those emotions will seem strangely dim.
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