It was the third day I was undergoing IV steroids. When the doctor had told me some common side effects I would experience included insomnia, irritability, and eating non stop, he wasn't kidding. I would fall asleep ok at my normal bed time, but I would sleep for a maximum of 3-4 hours before I would wake up. And the possibility of falling back asleep was non existent. For a brief period I believed this was the worst side effect, but a week later I realized it wasn't. I would deal with the insomnia and irritability before I would ever deal with this ONE side effect that drove me NUTS.
I woke up on day 5 of steroids. The plan was to take oral steroids for 2 weeks to wean my system off of them. I went into the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for the day. When I looked in the mirror, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I didn't even recognize my own face. I had gained approximately 10 lbs of water weight in just 5 short days. I was bloated. I thought, maybe if I just put some make up on, it'll look normal, or at least how I KNOW I am supposed to look. Unfortunately, it didn't help.
Then the voice in my head started whispering things in my ear. You're fat. You're ugly. You're gross. No amount of anything will help you look better. I couldn't get past my physical appearance. God had done such awesome work inside of me, that I LONGED for the outside to look how the inside felt. It was this very moment I was feeling hopeless and decided to blast the radio to take my mind off of the revelation I had just experienced about the way I saw myself. Here's what I heard:
What an amazing reminder right when I needed it. While I was busy concerned about the outward appearance, God didn't see ANY of that. I mean ANY. He didn't see the physical side. While I saw my broken-ness and my struggles, He didn't. While I saw the shame that my husband must have been seeing about marrying me, Neither my husband nor God saw any of that. God saw the opportunity to make his power perfect. It is written in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I was weak and unable to stand by myself, but God's power is PERFECT when I'm weak. I reminded myself of that over and over and over until one summer afternoon......
It wasn't until August one afternoon that my eyesight in my right eye came back .... normal. I could see the same out of my right eye as I could in my left eye. Praise GOD. I had never been more joyful in my life.
In 3 months time, here's what I have learned. First, I am NOT invincible, nor am I untouchable. Just because the power of God lives inside me, doesn't make me perfect. It certainly doesn't make me immune to any of Satan's attacks. In fact, it makes me MORE of a target, and I'm honored that Satan sees me that way. Second, God didn't do this TO me, He allowed this FOR me. I have a heart for those suffering from MS. Those in limbo awaiting a definite diagnosis, and those that have suffered from the symptoms of MS. It's awful and wretched. The desire of my heart is that my story would reach someone and touch their heart in the same way God touched mine. There was never a point in my life that I had ever leaned on God's strength like I did during this past year. Third, Satan is AWESOME at disguising his lies to appear as though it were truth.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. This included losing over 20lbs of weight I had gained during the course of steroids I had taken. This included changing my lifestyle, my eating habits, my exercise habits, and my thoughts about my physical appearance. This included praising him when I was afraid and praising him when my heart was heavy. The next post will show the radical changes I made to my diet and exercise and the person that stood next to me during that journey.
No comments:
Post a Comment