An Unexpected Confession

I find myself in a very unexpected place in my life.  A place where, normally, I would be worried, confused, frustrated, and depressed.  Let me start by saying that all those feelings and emotions are flesh emotions, meaning, my brain has a tendency to go to that place when something happens that was not in the plan.  Well, THIS was not part of the plan, but somehow I do NOT feel worried, or confused, or frustrated, or even depressed.  I am full of joy and have a peace about this thing that I cannot explain, other than I know who I am. 

Last May, I was awaiting the results of an MRI that had been performed on my brain.  They did this in search of scar tissue lesions that would indicate Multiple Sclerosis as being the reason why my eye sight was not normal.  The afternoon I was waiting for a call from the neurologist, I fell asleep.  I had a dream that my husband and I were in the neurologist office sitting across from him.  The conversation that pursued went something like this: 

"Hannah, You have Multiple Sclerosis.  You don't have to worry though, you're only going to have it for 3 years, and you won't have it any more."

"What's going to happen in 3 years?" I asked

"You won't have it anymore." The neurologist replied.

As soon as the conversation ended, the neurologist called and told me my brain MRI showed lesions of scar tissue consistent with MS.  The problem was that all the other tests that were done showed as normal.  So, in order to be diagnosed as having MS, I would need to have another relapse, or set of symptoms.  It became a waiting game.


It was Tuesday, February 25, 2014.  I had a conversation with my neurologist about some new symptoms I had been experiencing.  I knew in my heart the reason was because I was experiencing a relapse of symptoms.  As I began talking to him, he informed me that my diagnosis was going to change from possible MS to definite MS.  I would need a repeat of the MRI of my spine to compare from last year's MRI to this year.  I knew in my heart, there would be lesions of scar tissue found, so I wasn't too worried.  As I hung up the phone, I realized I needed to have a conversation with our children and our family and let them know what's been going on.  Conversations I did NOT want to have.  I was sad.  I was disappointed.  I was relieved.  The waiting game is over and it only lasted for 9 months.

During this moment of reflection on the last year and the realization that my life isn't going to be how I planned, I remembered a dream I had 9 months ago.  "You have MS, but you will only have it for 3 years."  GOOD NEWS:  my 3 years began on February 25, 2014.  Call me crazy if you'd like, but I know that was a promise from God.  I heard his voice and I know what it sounds like. 

That night I had a class I had been attending at our church.  It is filled with some pretty amazing women doing some pretty amazing things.  I was relieved to go to class, but unsure how to tell them I needed support.  I was still feeling slightly disappointed that I had to go through this all over again.  As I got in the car, the radio was turned on and cranked pretty loud (yes, I love the radio in the car, don't judge me :p ) and the first thing I heard was

"I am, holding on to you.  In the middle of the storm, I am holding on, I am." --Crowder

This was NOT coincidence.  This was exactly what I needed to hear.   Peace in the middle of turmoil.  Joy in the middle of sadness.  Confidence in the middle of fear.  This came as a surprise to me, but not to God.  Last year I questioned what my faith would mean if I began taking medication for this illness.  How would my faith be shown if I believed God had healed me and I began taking medication.  I found my answer.  I was concerned about the side effects those medications were associated with.  Faith is TRUST in God.  My faith comes in believing that the side effects I COULD experience are NOT going to be side effects I WILL experience.

 I don't believe these next 3 years will be absent of hardship or struggle.  I expect there will be some there.  What I do believe is there is a great reward at the end of all this.  Like someone promising you a million dollars at the end of 3 years.  You may struggle and face hardship during those 3 years, but when the reward is given to you, imagine how joyful you would be.  My focus isn't on the now, but rather a promise that was given 9 months ago.  Until then, I will keep holding on to Him especially in the middle of this storm.