The Difference Maker

And he climbs on up the hill on the rock on which he stands
He looks back at the crowd
He looks down at his hands and he says
I am a difference maker

-- Need To Breathe

Shortly after finding out my diagnosis of MS was definite, I began a round of IV Steroids.  This was NOT a pleasant time for me last year when I had issues with my vision, and I was NOT looking forward to this time again.  However, I thought I would try to outsmart the insomnia that I experienced last year, and asked for a sleep aide.  I was joyful when I had a prescription sleep aide called in for me.  There's a bit of humor involved with taking the Ambien which I will share a bit later.

This time around with the IV Steroids, I had a nurse coming to our home and hooking me to an IV for 45 minutes.  I was relieved to have a nurse in our home doing this as opposed to going to the hospital to have it done like last time.  There was a black cloud hanging over my head though.  I had to have a conversation with our children about what was going on.  Especially since one of the days the nurse was scheduled to come to our home was during a time the children would be home.  The last thing I wanted was for the kids to see me hooked up to an IV and become worried or fearful of what was going on.  I prayed for wisdom and for God to give me the right words to say to them.  I was praying for my words to not instill fear or worry in their hearts, but understanding.  In essence, I told them sometimes we can not feel good, but other people can't always tell we don't feel good.  My daughter chimed in and said, "Like when I have a headache?"  "Yes," I replied, "Just like that."  I began to explain to them that I had what doctors called Multiple Sclerosis, and all that meant is there may be a time when I don't really feel good.  I tried to keep it as simple as possible and tried not to make it seem like it was really that big of a deal.... because it wasn't.  I may have MS, but I refuse to let the MS define me, or identify me.  The children were receptive and seemed to be OK.  We told them that they can talk to adults they trust (i.e. a teacher, grandparent, pastor, etc.) if they had questions or if they needed to talk about their feelings with someone other than myself or my husband.   I had no idea the groundwork God was laying for what laid ahead for us.

24 hours later, I woke up in the morning at 2AM (not uncommon while taking steroids).   I had excruciating pain in my legs, to the point the pain was what woke me up.  I decided to go to our living room hoping not to wake my husband.  I attempted to walk, and I was shocked when I had to grab onto the wall just so I didn't fall.  Oh boy, I thought.  Didn't think I'd be here.  Should I wake my husband?  No, it's not that serious.  The pain will go away.  Well, the pain did NOT go away, and I spent the next few hours wrestling with trying to get comfortable and trying not to cry.  Eventually the pain became tolerable... and by tolerable, I mean I was able to not cry.  The children awoke that morning not having any idea what was wrong with me.  As life would have it, my youngest son was having a rough morning.  He didn't sleep well and couldn't find the clothes he wanted to wear.  To a 6 yr old, this is a life altering moment.  At one point, I was frustrated, in pain, and felt like I was about to lose control and just cry.  All the other children had gotten ready and headed to the bus stop.  I found myself alone with my 6 yr old son, on the verge of tears.  In pain, I winced and got down on my knees in front of him and said to him, "Honey, remember when mommy said I might not feel good and you won't be able to tell?"  "Yes, mommy," He replied.  With tears welling up in my eyes, I told him, "Mommy is having a rough morning too."  For a minute he stopped and just looked at me, as though he was looking into my heart, and gave me hug.  He got it ... He understood.  He began to cry and apologized for the rough start to the morning he had.  I told him how much I loved his heart, and him and I were going to stop crying and make the best out of the day.  He agreed, and left for school in a much better mood than he woke up with.

It was time for me to get ready for work.  I prayed, no, I BEGGED God to take away the pain I was feeling.  I could barely stand on my own.  As I was getting ready to take a shower, I put Pandora on, and the first song I heard was The Difference Maker by Need To Breathe.  I had a revelation.  God didn't do this TO me.  God did know what I would do in response to this.  Lean on HIM, and not my own understanding.  Praise HIM, and not curse His name.  Satan had a plan to destroy my heart, and it manifested itself as Multiple Sclerosis.  God is the difference maker ... the game changer ... the trump card of all trump cards ... the right bower.  Call me crazy if you'd like, but God showed His face to me that morning.  As I was standing in the shower, crying, and begging for the pain to stop, as though a light switch was flipped, the pain was gone.  However temporary this was going to be, I didn't care.  I won't tell you of the conversation I was having with Him that morning, that's between me and Him.  However, I will tell you He IS everything He says He is.  I'm the walking, joyful, pain free, living proof.