The Difference Maker

And he climbs on up the hill on the rock on which he stands
He looks back at the crowd
He looks down at his hands and he says
I am a difference maker

-- Need To Breathe

Shortly after finding out my diagnosis of MS was definite, I began a round of IV Steroids.  This was NOT a pleasant time for me last year when I had issues with my vision, and I was NOT looking forward to this time again.  However, I thought I would try to outsmart the insomnia that I experienced last year, and asked for a sleep aide.  I was joyful when I had a prescription sleep aide called in for me.  There's a bit of humor involved with taking the Ambien which I will share a bit later.

This time around with the IV Steroids, I had a nurse coming to our home and hooking me to an IV for 45 minutes.  I was relieved to have a nurse in our home doing this as opposed to going to the hospital to have it done like last time.  There was a black cloud hanging over my head though.  I had to have a conversation with our children about what was going on.  Especially since one of the days the nurse was scheduled to come to our home was during a time the children would be home.  The last thing I wanted was for the kids to see me hooked up to an IV and become worried or fearful of what was going on.  I prayed for wisdom and for God to give me the right words to say to them.  I was praying for my words to not instill fear or worry in their hearts, but understanding.  In essence, I told them sometimes we can not feel good, but other people can't always tell we don't feel good.  My daughter chimed in and said, "Like when I have a headache?"  "Yes," I replied, "Just like that."  I began to explain to them that I had what doctors called Multiple Sclerosis, and all that meant is there may be a time when I don't really feel good.  I tried to keep it as simple as possible and tried not to make it seem like it was really that big of a deal.... because it wasn't.  I may have MS, but I refuse to let the MS define me, or identify me.  The children were receptive and seemed to be OK.  We told them that they can talk to adults they trust (i.e. a teacher, grandparent, pastor, etc.) if they had questions or if they needed to talk about their feelings with someone other than myself or my husband.   I had no idea the groundwork God was laying for what laid ahead for us.

24 hours later, I woke up in the morning at 2AM (not uncommon while taking steroids).   I had excruciating pain in my legs, to the point the pain was what woke me up.  I decided to go to our living room hoping not to wake my husband.  I attempted to walk, and I was shocked when I had to grab onto the wall just so I didn't fall.  Oh boy, I thought.  Didn't think I'd be here.  Should I wake my husband?  No, it's not that serious.  The pain will go away.  Well, the pain did NOT go away, and I spent the next few hours wrestling with trying to get comfortable and trying not to cry.  Eventually the pain became tolerable... and by tolerable, I mean I was able to not cry.  The children awoke that morning not having any idea what was wrong with me.  As life would have it, my youngest son was having a rough morning.  He didn't sleep well and couldn't find the clothes he wanted to wear.  To a 6 yr old, this is a life altering moment.  At one point, I was frustrated, in pain, and felt like I was about to lose control and just cry.  All the other children had gotten ready and headed to the bus stop.  I found myself alone with my 6 yr old son, on the verge of tears.  In pain, I winced and got down on my knees in front of him and said to him, "Honey, remember when mommy said I might not feel good and you won't be able to tell?"  "Yes, mommy," He replied.  With tears welling up in my eyes, I told him, "Mommy is having a rough morning too."  For a minute he stopped and just looked at me, as though he was looking into my heart, and gave me hug.  He got it ... He understood.  He began to cry and apologized for the rough start to the morning he had.  I told him how much I loved his heart, and him and I were going to stop crying and make the best out of the day.  He agreed, and left for school in a much better mood than he woke up with.

It was time for me to get ready for work.  I prayed, no, I BEGGED God to take away the pain I was feeling.  I could barely stand on my own.  As I was getting ready to take a shower, I put Pandora on, and the first song I heard was The Difference Maker by Need To Breathe.  I had a revelation.  God didn't do this TO me.  God did know what I would do in response to this.  Lean on HIM, and not my own understanding.  Praise HIM, and not curse His name.  Satan had a plan to destroy my heart, and it manifested itself as Multiple Sclerosis.  God is the difference maker ... the game changer ... the trump card of all trump cards ... the right bower.  Call me crazy if you'd like, but God showed His face to me that morning.  As I was standing in the shower, crying, and begging for the pain to stop, as though a light switch was flipped, the pain was gone.  However temporary this was going to be, I didn't care.  I won't tell you of the conversation I was having with Him that morning, that's between me and Him.  However, I will tell you He IS everything He says He is.  I'm the walking, joyful, pain free, living proof.

An Unexpected Confession

I find myself in a very unexpected place in my life.  A place where, normally, I would be worried, confused, frustrated, and depressed.  Let me start by saying that all those feelings and emotions are flesh emotions, meaning, my brain has a tendency to go to that place when something happens that was not in the plan.  Well, THIS was not part of the plan, but somehow I do NOT feel worried, or confused, or frustrated, or even depressed.  I am full of joy and have a peace about this thing that I cannot explain, other than I know who I am. 

Last May, I was awaiting the results of an MRI that had been performed on my brain.  They did this in search of scar tissue lesions that would indicate Multiple Sclerosis as being the reason why my eye sight was not normal.  The afternoon I was waiting for a call from the neurologist, I fell asleep.  I had a dream that my husband and I were in the neurologist office sitting across from him.  The conversation that pursued went something like this: 

"Hannah, You have Multiple Sclerosis.  You don't have to worry though, you're only going to have it for 3 years, and you won't have it any more."

"What's going to happen in 3 years?" I asked

"You won't have it anymore." The neurologist replied.

As soon as the conversation ended, the neurologist called and told me my brain MRI showed lesions of scar tissue consistent with MS.  The problem was that all the other tests that were done showed as normal.  So, in order to be diagnosed as having MS, I would need to have another relapse, or set of symptoms.  It became a waiting game.


It was Tuesday, February 25, 2014.  I had a conversation with my neurologist about some new symptoms I had been experiencing.  I knew in my heart the reason was because I was experiencing a relapse of symptoms.  As I began talking to him, he informed me that my diagnosis was going to change from possible MS to definite MS.  I would need a repeat of the MRI of my spine to compare from last year's MRI to this year.  I knew in my heart, there would be lesions of scar tissue found, so I wasn't too worried.  As I hung up the phone, I realized I needed to have a conversation with our children and our family and let them know what's been going on.  Conversations I did NOT want to have.  I was sad.  I was disappointed.  I was relieved.  The waiting game is over and it only lasted for 9 months.

During this moment of reflection on the last year and the realization that my life isn't going to be how I planned, I remembered a dream I had 9 months ago.  "You have MS, but you will only have it for 3 years."  GOOD NEWS:  my 3 years began on February 25, 2014.  Call me crazy if you'd like, but I know that was a promise from God.  I heard his voice and I know what it sounds like. 

That night I had a class I had been attending at our church.  It is filled with some pretty amazing women doing some pretty amazing things.  I was relieved to go to class, but unsure how to tell them I needed support.  I was still feeling slightly disappointed that I had to go through this all over again.  As I got in the car, the radio was turned on and cranked pretty loud (yes, I love the radio in the car, don't judge me :p ) and the first thing I heard was

"I am, holding on to you.  In the middle of the storm, I am holding on, I am." --Crowder

This was NOT coincidence.  This was exactly what I needed to hear.   Peace in the middle of turmoil.  Joy in the middle of sadness.  Confidence in the middle of fear.  This came as a surprise to me, but not to God.  Last year I questioned what my faith would mean if I began taking medication for this illness.  How would my faith be shown if I believed God had healed me and I began taking medication.  I found my answer.  I was concerned about the side effects those medications were associated with.  Faith is TRUST in God.  My faith comes in believing that the side effects I COULD experience are NOT going to be side effects I WILL experience.

 I don't believe these next 3 years will be absent of hardship or struggle.  I expect there will be some there.  What I do believe is there is a great reward at the end of all this.  Like someone promising you a million dollars at the end of 3 years.  You may struggle and face hardship during those 3 years, but when the reward is given to you, imagine how joyful you would be.  My focus isn't on the now, but rather a promise that was given 9 months ago.  Until then, I will keep holding on to Him especially in the middle of this storm.