Overcomer

As promised, here is my revelation post.  The one that describes the physical changes my body went through and the moment I understood the kind of faith it takes to step out of my own boat and walk on the water with Jesus.

I looked at myself one morning and realized the damaging effects of taking steroids for 2 weeks.  Forget about the science part of it, they physical effects were far more damaging.  What I saw in the mirror disgusted me.  None of my clothes fit me anymore and I truly felt like I weighed nearly a ton.  To make matters worse, a massage client of mine had noticed my rapid weight gain.  She had stated, "are you feeling ok dear?  You look a little puffy in your face."  Boy if she only knew what ran through my mind. 

So I did some research on the medications that my neurologist was wanting me to start taking.  All of these medications were administered through an injection, similar to what a diabetic has to do to take insulin.  The common side effects were flu like symptoms 2-4 hours post injection, headache, irritability, redness and swelling at the injection site, suicidal tendencies, and the list goes on.  NONE of this sounded like I would be OK with dealing.  If at this point it's only a RISK of developing MS, I couldn't fathom taking a medication that would affect me in that way.  The bottom line was I found a study that researched the efficacy of 2 MS medications.  Essentially, it was a study for those people who had a one time event like I did that didn't take any medication versus people who had a one time event like I had that did take medication and the time frame of relapse (when another event happened).  As it turns out, they were separated by only MONTHS....not YEARS.  It was this piece of information that I decided I would refuse medication and give this ENTIRELY over to God.

When I sat down with my husband to explain my reasons why I didn't want to take medication, he was hesitant.  He warned me to not take on the attitude that I can do nothing and God will heal me.  We had several conversations about faith requiring ACTION.  That's when I decided my action would consist of BELIEVING I had already been healed, even if I didn't FEEL healed.  CHANGING my lifestyle... eating habits, exercising habits, making better choices, etc.  So I reached out to a dear friend of mine that had completed a training program and totally changed her life.  She was eating the foods that I KNEW I had to begin eating.  She was a genius in my eyes for the way her life was changed through different eating habits and exercise.  If you'd like to read a bit about her story, here's her link:  Alex Street.

Alex's foundation of faith is very similar to mine.  We believe the same about God and our trust in him is equivocal.  I KNEW I could trust Alex to point me in the right direction.  When she reached out to me, knowing my situation, I explained to her that I needed a radical change in my lifestyle.  I knew the nutrition my body so needed in order to get healthy again.  She talked to me about a new program beachbody was releasing and thought it would be perfect for my work and family schedule.  She was AMAZING at supporting the highs AND lows I went through.  Alex introduced me to Focus T25 and beachbody's super nutritious shake called shakeology.  Through the next 10 weeks I would push my body harder than I had in a very long time.

Alex had encouraged me to take a before picture.  Something to look back on the when the feeling of NOT exercising ever hit me.  Something to remind myself WHY I started in the first place.  I decided in order to give myself an accurate depiction of what I looked like, I would put on my bikini.  Boy was I depressed when I saw myself in the mirror.  Here's what I looked like BEFORE my life changed:



Fat rolls EVERYWHERE ... totally  NOT what I thought I would see.  I had roughly 20lbs to lose, just to get back to what I weighed when I married my husband in March.  I HATED what I saw.

Alex had helped with educating me how to lose weight HEALTHY.  What choices I needed to make in planning meals and reducing cravings.  I love food.  I enjoyed diet coke and coffee and sweets.  It was during this time I learned a TON about why we crave certain foods.  As it turns out, our bodies start craving certain foods because of the nutrition it's LACKING.  hmmm ... who knew?

I stepped on the scale at the beginning of my journey and measured my waist, my bust, and my hips.  I vowed to not step on the scale again until I was halfway through my lifestyle change.  I didn't want to feel defeat before I was halfway through.   That number on the scale was my focus to begin with, but like many other things in my life, my focus changed.  It began to be more about what I saw in my body, and not the number on the scale.

5 weeks later, I took another picture, in the same bikini.  I was SHOCKED when I slipped it on.  After taking the first picture, I left the ties on the side of the bottoms exactly as they were that dreadful day.  When I slipped it on 5 weeks later it was too big!  My hard work was paying off even IF the scale didn't show it like I thought it should.  5 weeks later, my body had changed.

While the scale didn't reflect the pounds I had lost, I had lost inches.  Inches around my waist, around my hips and around my bust.  I was ecstatic!  Finally I was seeing changes in my body.  I was eating healthy, I was exercising daily, I was praising God for the changes I was making in my life and the best part was when my new husband took notice of my efforts.

A lot of the workouts I had done were modified to what I was capable of doing.  I pushed myself, but often times during my workouts, the vision in my eye would become impaired, temporarily.  I liked to think of it as the moment that healing was taking place.  My depth perception was slightly off.  Instead of listening to the voice in my head that said I was going to experience another attack, I praised God and recited his word, "By His stripes you are healed," and "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." God had done some pretty amazing things on my inside and I wanted the outside to match the inside.

In the story of Jesus walking on the water, Jesus was watching the boat the disciples were in as the storm was moving in over the water.  So He decided to visit them, by walking on the water TO them.  Through the chaos, through the turmoil, Jesus met the disciples right where they were.  Peter was so amazed he asked Jesus if he could walk to him on the water.  Jesus' answered yes, come!  Peter stepped out of the boat and began walking on the water WITH Jesus.  It wasn't until Peter became distracted by the wind and the waves that he began to sink.  Peter's faith made it possible to walk on the water, but when his focus was taken off of Jesus, he lost sight of his faith, causing him to begin sinking.  What does this teach us about our faith?  As long as our focus is on Him, we will NEVER sink.    What happened next was amazing.  Jesus picked Peter right up and brought him back to safety.  It was then that Jesus commanded the wind and the storm to cease and it did. 

Right around this transformation time, Mandisa came out with a new song called Overcomer.  What an inspiration it was during this time for me.  Jesus overcame death for us so that we can overcome whatever it is that hits us.  In her video, Mandisa showcases celebrities that have overcome cancer, brain tumors, and weight issues. I have also included a link to my beachbody website for those that would like some more information on the products I used and what worked for me:
Change Happens Now  

When Love sees you

It was the third day I was undergoing IV steroids.  When the doctor had told me some common side effects I would experience included insomnia, irritability, and eating non stop, he wasn't kidding.  I would fall asleep ok at my normal bed time, but I would sleep for a maximum of 3-4 hours before I would wake up.  And the possibility of falling back asleep was non existent.  For a brief period I believed this was the worst side effect, but a week later I realized it wasn't.  I would deal with the insomnia and irritability before I would ever deal with this ONE side effect that drove me NUTS.

I woke up on day 5 of steroids.  The plan was to take oral steroids for 2 weeks to wean my system off of them.  I went into the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for the day.  When I looked in the mirror, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  I didn't even recognize my own face.  I had gained approximately 10 lbs of water weight in just 5 short days.  I was bloated.  I thought, maybe if I just put some make up on, it'll look normal, or at least how I KNOW I am supposed to look.  Unfortunately, it didn't help.

Then the voice in my head started whispering things in my ear.  You're fat.  You're ugly.  You're gross.  No amount of anything will help you look better.  I couldn't get past my physical appearance.  God had done such awesome work inside of me, that I LONGED for the outside to look how the inside felt.  It was this very moment I was feeling hopeless and decided to blast the radio to take my mind off of the revelation I had just experienced about the way I saw myself.   Here's what I heard:



What an amazing reminder right when I needed it.  While I was busy concerned about the outward appearance, God didn't see ANY of that.  I mean ANY.  He didn't see the physical side.  While I saw my broken-ness and my struggles, He didn't.  While I saw the shame that my husband must have been seeing about marrying me, Neither my husband nor God saw any of that.  God saw the opportunity to make his power perfect.  It is written in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  I was weak and unable to stand by myself, but God's power is PERFECT when I'm weak.  I reminded myself of that over and over and over until one summer afternoon......

It wasn't until August one afternoon that my eyesight in my right eye came back .... normal.  I could see the same out of my right eye as I could in my left eye.  Praise GOD.  I had never been more joyful in my life. 

In 3 months time, here's what I have learned.  First, I am NOT invincible, nor am I untouchable.  Just because the power of God lives inside me, doesn't make me perfect.  It certainly doesn't make me immune to any of Satan's attacks.  In fact, it makes me MORE of a target, and I'm honored that Satan sees me that way.  Second, God didn't do this TO me, He allowed this FOR me.  I have a heart for those suffering from MS.  Those in limbo awaiting a definite diagnosis, and those that have suffered from the symptoms of MS.  It's awful and wretched.  The desire of my heart is that my story would reach someone and touch their heart in the same way God touched mine.  There was never a point in my life that I had ever leaned on God's strength like I did during this past year.  Third, Satan is AWESOME at disguising his lies to appear as though it were truth.

 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  This included losing over 20lbs of weight I had gained during the course of steroids I had taken.  This included changing my lifestyle, my eating habits, my exercise habits, and my thoughts about my physical appearance.  This included praising him when I was afraid and praising him when my heart was heavy. The next post will show the radical changes I made to my diet and exercise and the person that stood next to me during that journey.