More than just a conversation

It was March of this year and to this day I consider this a special gift from God himself.  Allow me to explain ......

I was baptized in January of this year, and KNEW things were about to change, however, I wasn't quite prepared for this series of events to happen.  It was one Friday night, I found myself quite restless and prayed to God that he would grant me peace and rest for the busy weekend that lay before me.  As God is always faithful, I was finally able to fall fast asleep quickly into a deep rest. 

During the next 9 1/2 hours of sleep I had received through God's grace, I was given an image, a dream, that showed me what heaven was like.  As I was walking among the clouds, I saw before me millions and millions of people and angels all signing God's praise.  They were all walking towards the brightest, whitest light I had ever seen.  The most interesting thing about this light ... you could stare directly at it without having to squint or shield your eyes, much like you would have to if staring at the sun.  The singing was the most beautiful music I had ever heard, and wanted to get closer to hear it more.

The closer I came to the light, the more I realized, I was actually in heaven hearing the angels and all those that had gone before me praising and worshiping our Lord God and Savior.  There were no streets of gold, or crystal seas.  There were no crazy looking creatures, or even anyone that I recognized from my life on Earth.  What there was, was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.... God's voice saying my name.  There are no tears allowed in Heaven, however, I fell to my knees with tears in my eyes as I was humbled to be in the presence of my creator.  Such peace, and love, and grace surrounded this moment, I couldn't have done anything else.  After waking up, this dream was that kind of dream that was so incredibly vivid, it was as though it was a memory of an event that actually happened in my lilfe, something I had actually experienced and been to.  What an awesome gift from the one the created me!

A few weeks after this dream, I was met in a dream by the complete opposite of our Lord.  I was sitting on a park bench next to a dark haired man that I could only see one side of his face.  I asked him what his name was and he told me Lucifer.  I was not fearful, or scared, or even felt the need to run.  We were having a conversation about faith.  Hebrews 11:1 has long since been my favorite verse in the bible.  In fact, it's the one verse in the bible that I revert back to when I have no idea what else to read.

"Why worry about your faith?  It's not like you've gotten anything from it anyways," stated Lucifer.  I instantly woke up to realizing I was tossing my head from left to right saying "That's not true, Satan.  God, I know that's not true."  After awaking, I immediately turned on my bedroom light, opened my bible and low and behold, Hebrews 11:1 was right where I had opened the bible.  I read it out loud several times before praying to God.  Again, this dream was just as vivid as the one I had about heaven.  After praying to our Father, I instantly fell back asleep.

To quote Natalie Grant:

The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of Your Great Name

 I spoke the Lord's name, Lucifer had no choice but to flee that conversation.  How do we defeat Satan's power?  Speak the name of our Lord and Savior; command him to leave.  Then speak the word of God. 

What God proved to me through a conversation with Lucifer:  Satan's lies will ALWAYS be defeated by the word of God 100% of the time.

The Lord replied
"When you see only one set of footprints
in the sand, it is then that I carried you."

As my first blog post, I realize that I should do a testimony of myself and where I have been and where I am headed.  In order to get a better understanding of who I am and the power of Jesus' blood that was shed on the cross for ALL mankind.

Let me start off by saying that while Footprints in the Sand is my favorite poem, it usually isn't until after hardship that I realized that I really wasn't alone, and in fact, Jesus DID carry me through it.  Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

I was 19 years old and excited for what the future held for me.  I had asked Jesus into my heart at the ripe age of 6 or 7, and never really quite knew what that meant as a kid, however it DID allow me to start taking communion .... which was a big deal, since all the grown ups did it.  At the age of 19, I met a guy that became very, very special to me.  We started off as friends, and before I knew it .... we were dating, and living together.  After 4 years of dating, we finally got married.  September 16, 2000 was our wedding date.  On this cooler September day, I was ready to be a wife and anxiously awaited the moment I said "I do."  Nothing went right this day.  The unity candle wasn't prepared the way it was supposed to be, the music was wrong, the bridal party was late showing up to the church, the photographer (my mother) had trouble with her camera, and the groomsmen were all hungover.  Looking back on this day, God did his best to stop this wedding from happening, but I was determined this was the person I was meant to marry.  Our marriage lasted 3 months before we were talking about divorce.  He was convinced that our marriage was a sham and no longer felt the desire to be married to me.  Less than a year later, we were divorced.  I was devastated that I had let someone hurt me the way he had.  He had an affair, and she was pregnant with his child.

Fast forward a year later, I am married again and this time pregnant with my first child.  I'm anxious and excited to see what my family will be.  As excited about starting a family as I was, I was also very afraid.  I couldn't make one marriage work, what made me think I could make a 2nd one work?  Worse yet, What kind of mother would I be?  I fell in love with her the day she was born, and couldn't imagine my life without her.  Jordyn Allysa was born on June 19, 2003 and I couldn't have been happier.  After 6 months of continuing to work full time and taking care of her full time, I decided to quit my job and stay at home taking care of her. 

 A year later, my husband and I were starting to fall apart.  Financially we couldn't afford our house and we struggled with intimacy.  We felt like roommates instead of husband and wife.  In May of 2006, we filed for divorce.  The house we had bought a few years earlier was up for sale and when the house sold, we would separate from each other until the remainder of the waiting period for the divorce would be final.  We finally sold the house in August of 2006, and 2 weeks before we closed, I found out I was pregnant.  I dreaded having to tell my husband, but knew I had no choice.  As we sat down to talk about what we were going to do, he pleaded with me to have an abortion.  The only thing I could think of every time that he spoke of abortion was Psalm 139:13 "For you formed my inward parts; you covered me in my mother's womb." 

As it turns out, since I was pregnant, we couldn't divorce each other as we had planned.  So now the waiting period came until the baby was born.  Worse yet, he was questioning the paternity of the child I was carrying.  We closed on the house, and we had separated in September of 2006.  He remained somewhat involved during the pregnancy, but was distant.  On March 13, 2007  Joshua [meaning God Rescues] Zachary [meaning the Lord remembers] was born.  The paternity test was administered the day he was born, and the results were that my husband was the father of this precious baby boy.  After one look at him, I could never have imagined aborting him.  He was perfect in every way, and even if me and my husband divorced, God rescued him and He remembers my decision to NOT abort him.  In May of 2007, my husband and I reconciled and decided to remain married.

It was in the beginning part of 2009 that things started to fall apart again.  We were both working, however, he was gone from Sunday night until Friday night, and I worked Friday, Saturday and Sunday night.  We never saw each other, and when we did see each other, we never spent time with each other, or talked, unless you consider arguing "talking".  I began attending church every chance I could.  My husband never wanted to join me, but I encouraged him to come with me.  When I was at church, I would pray for my marriage and for my husband; pleading with God to not let my marriage fail.  I attended every service, prayer group and support group I possibly could to save my marriage. 

In August of 2009, I came home from work one Friday night and my husband was awake waiting for me to get home.  He told me that night he was done.....done being married, done being my husband ..... just done.  The more he thought about spending 30 years with me, the less appealing it became.  I was hurt and very angry.  In my mind, I did everything I was supposed to have done to save my marriage.  I sought God, I prayed, I asked, I was knocking on the door, and I certainly wasn't receiving God's grace and mercy by my marriage ending in divorce!  How could God possibly do this to his child?  and to MY children?!  My children were God's children too, why would he allow this to happen to THEM?  Labor day weekend 2009, we separated.  I was sick to my stomach and scared and felt abandoned not only by my husband, but by my heavenly Father as well.

Through a year and a half of rebellion against God, I experienced much heartache, depression, frustration, and anger.  December 21 was my husband and my anniversary, and Christmas used to be a happy time for me.  Now, all I had left was a painful memory that haunted me every year at Christmas time.  The family I had so longed to have and to keep was falling apart and there was NOTHING I could do about it.  Funny how when we have an emptiness we can't get rid of, our hearts are hardened and we do things the way the world tells us to do them.  I sought acceptance from ANYONE that would show it to me.  Alcohol helped numb the pain, but every time I was sober, the pain came back, and usually 100 times worse than if I had never drank.

Fast forward to December 24, 2011.  I was alone on Christmas eve....for the first time ever.  Kids were with their dad, parents were out of town, and I was alone....alone, alone, alone.   I decided I would attend the Christmas eve service at church.  With a heavy heart, and tears in my eyes, I walked in to Mars Hill.   After leaving the Christmas eve service full of tears and feeling sorry for myself, I called my mom.  Something had to change.  I couldn't keep this bitterness and anger inside my heart any longer.  There had to be something better out there for me.  God doesn't allow bad things to happen with the intent on leaving us there.  I had made a committment that come the beginning of 2012, I would start going to church every Sunday and learning more about God.

January, 2012 .... I attended Resurrection Life church for the first time.  The sermon I had heard was about fasting.  I was led by God to begin fasting and seeking him more.  I obeyed and WOW, to say I was amazed is an understatement.  I heard his voice .... literally heard his voice for the first time.  "When you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."  God took me down memory lane, not to show me all my faults ..... but to show me he never left.  I was the one running away while he was the one running to me. 

 January 29, 2012, I was baptized.  Officially, I was made white by being covered in blood and all my sins were washed away as I became a totally new person.  My heart was on fire for Him, and that emptiness I felt, that anger and bitterness I carried for so long, was gone.  My life wasn't free from trials, but it certainly made it a lot easier to handle.  I began thinking differently, speaking differently, and acting differently.  I began reading my bible and began keeping a prayer journal.  I began speaking in tongues, and feeling motivated to not just visit church, but become a member, and get invovled.  The friends I had at one time that I thought were my "friends" were no longer friends.  This time, I know the friends I keep will not just be friends here on Earth ...... but we will see each other again someday in heaven too.  What greater Joy is there than the Joy that comes from the Lord?

In closing, God is the navigator, pilot, and captain, and I can't imagine anyone else more qualified for that position.  He is always faithful, never changing, and his loves truly endures forever.