By His stripes, you are healed

It was the morning of May 6.  It began like every other morning with the exception my right eye was killing me.  I had assumed with Spring beginning to unfold, it was my allergies and hadn't thought much more about it.  Medicine will take the pain away, I thought.  I mentioned something about it to my husband and neither of us seemed to be too concerned with it.  I took some allergy medicine, and figured I'd feel better before the day was done.

It was the week of May 13.  The pain in my right eye was still present and now causing headaches.  I still assumed it was my allergies as Spring was in full force.  On the afternoon of May 14, I began noticing changes in my vision in my right eye.  It was as though someone had taken my picture with a flash, and i could see the remanents of the bright flash everywhere I looked.  On May 15, I finally broke down and decided to visit a doctor.  I went to an urgent care clinic thinking it would be quicker and cheaper.  If in fact it was allergies, they would know right away. 

                                  9:00AM:  After spending what seemed like 30 seconds with the urgent care physician he informed me I would need to see an opthalmologist.  They would be gracious enough to refer me to one and call with the information later that day.
                                 12:00PM:  Received a call from the opthalmologist office my appointment would be at 1:15.  PERFECT, I thought.  I get to see someone right away about this.
                                   1:00PM:  Arrived at Spectrum Health Opthalmologist and was seen right away.  My eyes were dilated and numbed up.  A series of tests were done on my eye, and a TON of really cool pictures of the back of my eye were taken.  After approximately 3 hours, it was determined my optic nerve in my right eye was inflammed.  I needed to begin a course of IV infusion of Prednisone to speed up the healing process and make the inflammation go away.  I was then referred to a neuro-opthalmologist for continued care.
                                  4:30PM:  Began my first infusion of Prednisone through my IV.  It took approximately an hour to complete.  I was anxiously waiting to see the neuro-opthalmologist to determine what in the WORLD was wrong with me.  This would be what the next 3 days would look like for me.  Going to the hospital, receiving my Prednisone through IV, and waiting.

May 16:  My first appointment with the neuro-opthalmologist.  He talks to me about my test results from a couple days before and mentions I need to have an MRI of my brain to determine the cause of the inflammation.  THIS IS JUST MY ALLERGIES, I thought.  I don't know WHY I need an MRI for allergies, but whatever.  I was told in 24 hours his office would call me and let me know the results of the MRI.  Thank GOD i'm not waiting 2 weeks to find out, I thought.

May 17:  It's Midnight.  I should be home asleep, instead, I'm at the hospital getting ready for an MRI of my brain.  I NEVER thought I'd be afraid or nervous, or anxious about having a medical test done, but this was scary.  I'm slightly claustrophobic and that machine can make ANYONE feel uncomfortable.  As the test began I did the ONLY thing I knew to do.  Pray.  Talk to God.  It was during this prayer I caught myself THANKING Him.  Thanking him for creating me perfect in his eyes.  Thanking Him for the trials of this situation.  Thanking Him for my amazing husband.  Thanking Him for the doctors that were taking care of me.  Thanking Him for EVERYTHING.  The peace that passes all understanding created in me a peace that almost made me fall asleep....IN THE MRI TUBE. 

Well, 24 hours later I began experiencing severe shortness of breath and I felt HORRIBLE.  I ended up in the ER where they would evaluate my lung function.  At this time, it was determined the shortness of breath was a side effect of having 3 days worth of a steroid in my system.  During this particular ER visit, my neuro-opthalmologist visited me.  With my husband at my side, he informed us that the MRI showed scar tissue lesions on my brain that were indicative of Multiple Sclerosis.  Bottom line:  I was at a 75% risk of developing MS in the next 5-10 years.  I looked at my new husband and immediately felt ashamed and sorry that he had married me.  It had only been 6 weeks since we said our "I do's".  I did the only thing every new wife would do in this situation.  I cried.  I wept.  Right there.  In front of the hopsital staff and my husband.   The neurologist also stated that I had a 25% chance that I would live the rest of my life without having another incident ever happen again in my life.  I decided I'm that 25%.

The ride home was a long and somber one.  I knew my husband and I had to talk about this, but what do I say????  What is there to talk about???  I looked over at him with tears in my eyes and was shocked to see he was crying too.  "Why are you crying, honey," I asked him.  "Because you're crying," was his reply.  "I'm so sorry," I told him.  "Well, you're that 25%, Hannah.  You don't need to worry about anything,"  He replied.  Later that night before falling asleep with heavy hearts, we prayed.  We thanked God for all that he has done, and all that he continues to do.  We then asked for healing of my physical body, quoting God' word, "By his stripes they are healed." 

The next morning during our morning devotionals, my husband picked up his little devotional book and the verse on May 18 read:  "Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith!  I will do as you have asked.'" Matthew 15:28  Not only did I NOT have to worry whether my faith was in the right place, but my reward for my faith was that God was going to heal me.  I didn't know when, and I didn't know HOW, but I knew I would be healed.  In the next few blog posts, I will continue to share my journey, and show you how I can walk on water.

A Father' Love

In the weeks that followed the wedding, my new husband and I were attempting to figure out how we were going to keep Christ our focus in our marriage.  Ideas of HOW we pray together, read his word together, and talk about Him together was confusing us.  It wasn't until a tragic event happened to our close friends that we began to learn HOW to praise him in our marriage.

It happened one night during the week, the news of our friends' family members passing away suddenly, was shared with us.  My initial reaction was, WHY would God allow such a humble, God seeking family to suffer THIS kind of loss?  In a split second, my mind answered that question with, God didn't DO this.  John 10:10 "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  I have come so that they may have life, and have it to the full."  We began praying constantly for this family, pouring our hearts out to them in loving support.  We were learning how to pray together through our friends' pain and suffering.  Through this prayer one morning, I had a revelation about God, our Father.

When both of my children were younger, I can remember them trying to take their first steps.  How encouraging I tried to be and how difficult it was to watch them tumble down every time they tried to walk.  When my son was around 9 months old (he was walking by this point) he began to climb.  He was NOT afraid of heights like I was, nor was he afraid to fall.  Every time he attempted to climb on the table, the bed, climb OUT of his bed, etc., my reaction was always to be right there so he wouldn't get hurt.  It wasn't until he took a fall out of his crib early one morning that he LEARNED he probably shouldn't climb out.  He also learned that when he was hurting, mom was right there to help.  It wasn't horrible, and he was fine, however, he wasn't free from a few bumps and bruises.

Can't we all relate?  We've all been hurt, with the bumps and bruises to prove it.  I'm the type of person, and I'm certain my parents can attest to this, that can NOT learn from what I'm told, but through my own experience good or bad.  Every decision we make has a consequence to it, good or bad.  I've heard it said, Life doesn't come with an instruction manual, but it DOES.... the Holy Bible.  God's word is his plan for us.  How we are supposed to love;  How we are supposed to live;  How we are supposed to cling to Him. 

The book of Job is one of my favorite stories to read, especially in times of trying to understand the age old question, "WHY?"  God doesn't promise a life free from pain, or struggle, or hardship, or tragedy.  What He does promise is a life full of Love...perfect unending Love.  The book of Job doesn't answer the question why.  The truth is, we live in a fallen world, and because of this fallen world, we know pain, sorrow, disappointment and struggle.  In a conversation Job had with God, God ultimately tells Job that He knows everything.  Nothing is a surprise to Him. (Job 38:4-5 "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?  Tell me, if you know so much.  Who determined its dimensions and stretched the surveying line?")  Job realizes that God knows all and praises Him ( Job 42:2 "I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you.") and God returns TEN fold (10 to the 10th power) all that was taken from Job.  (Job 42:12 So the Lord blessed Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning...)

Pain is always difficult, however, when we lean on Christ to carry us through our pain, it leads to a deeper relationship with Him.  Our friends had no idea of the suffering they would endure at the tragic loss of their family members.  Through their pain and suffering, they experienced God's power and love.  Through their suffering, my new husband and myself, learned how to pray together and how to draw nearer to Him.  A result I'm certain Satan wasn't aware of.  

Confessions of a Newlywed Wife

 

Here I am almost 3 weeks post wedding ceremony, and I find myself confronted with idiosyncrasies that are unexpected.  I am BLESSED to be married to the love of my life.  A God fearing, loving, humble, strong man in which I am completely and utterly in love with.  Before the confessions, a little background about the 2 of us.

 

We are both in our 30's, both have been married once before, and both have children as a product of those previous marriages.  We both made the choice long ago that we didn't want to have any more children after our 2nd child was born, therefore, had taken steps to sterilize ourself in that regard.  It had been 3 years since my separation from my ex husband when I met Ryan; only 6 months since his divorce was final when Ryan met me.

 

God's design for marriage:

Ephesians 5:3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.  NO SEX UNTIL MARRIAGE .... this INCLUDES once married but no longer individuals.  Not just the individuals who have never been married before ... as my puny little brain wanted to believe at some point or another in my life.



Ephesians 5:18  Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Drunkenness leads to bad decisions, bad decisions lead to inappropriate actions, inappropriate actions can lead to a breakdown of the marriage.

 Ephesians 5:23  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.  Men, by God's design, are the leaders in the house.  Wives are commanded to be accepting of their husband's role as the leader.  Just as husbands are commanded to love their wife as Christ loved the church,  "giving himself up for her"  Ephesians 5:24

 

God's design for WIVES

Proverbs 31:15  She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants.

Proverbs 31:20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

Proverbs 31:25  She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

Proverbs 31:28  Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.

Proverbs 31:30  Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

 

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Ryan and I had both agreed that we wouldn't have sex until we were married; nor would we live together before we were married.  A decision that the 2 of us wouldn't realize until later how difficult it would be to maintain. 

 

It was February 15, 2013 and he proposed at a Detroit Red Wings game.  Boy was I shocked when the proposal came.  In the conversations that ensued, with details about the wedding, it all seemed surreal to me.  Before long, we were talking about me packing up my house and 2 children and working on moving my things prior to the wedding.  When we officially moved all my things to his house, he would then stay at his parents until we were husband and wife.  It was going to be a blissful, busy time for us, but knowing that this was where God had led us made me believe it would be perfect.

Our honeymoon was awesome. We had the opportunity to spend an entire week after the wedding without our children.  A lot of our time was spent just enjoying the company of each other through hiking, walking, napping, and laughing. 

The first night our children came back to us (yes, all FOUR of them) was, to say the least, CHAOS.  That night I had to work until 6:30, which meant my new husband would be with all 4 children by himself for a few hours.  Most people wouldn't think this is a large task, however, reality hit like a brick being thrown in your face.  The blissful busy time that we experienced prior to the wedding came to a screaching hault, and the bliss packed up and left.  FOUR children needed to eat.  FOUR children needed baths.  FOUR children needed to brush their teeth and get ready for bed.  All this in a matter of 90 minutes.  To top it all off, my new husband was feeling overwhelmed, not from all the children but from all the STUFF that needed to be put away ... boxes, clothes, dishes, etc.

To see all this unfolding in front of me after a long day at work was, needless to say, overwhelming.  Why wasn't everything PERFECT????  This is NOT how I imagined our life being married.  An upset husband, and four children that were acting as though they hadn't seen each other in YEARS... bouncing off the walls.  It seemed the only time they were "settled down" was when they were shoveling food into their mouths... and that only lasted what felt like a second.

After all the children were in bed, and alseep (by 9:00.  don't ask me HOW that happened) we decided to watch the NCAA Men's Basketball final between UofM and Louisville.  Being a HUGE UofM fan myself, I felt OBLIGATED to watch the game.  We sat down and didn't speak much during the game.  Three minutes before the half, he tossed me the remote and said he was going to bed.  I KNEW he was upset, and I dreaded having to go to bed with him.  I KNEW we needed to talk about the night's activities, but dreaded the conversation that would take place.  I gave him an opportunity to get settled into bed and waited for the end of the period before turning in.

As I entered our bedroom, his back was turned toward the door.  The lights were off and I thought for a moment he had actually fallen asleep.  As I carefully slipped into bed, he asked who was ahead at the half.  I quietly responded UofM, and turned over.  What happened next I can't explain.  I asked him if i could cuddle up next him, and he quietly said Yes.  I NEEDED to feel his arms around me.  We merged together in the middle of our king sized bed and I lost it.  I started crying.... and not the kind of crying that you can easily hide.  The kind of crying that is more like weeping, and all I could think about was, "My poor husband.  He had no idea I was going to react like THIS."  So he calmly asked me what was wrong.  " I don't know," I wailed.  "I didn't know it was going to be like THIS. This is NOT how I pictured things with us being married."  "Hannah," he replied, "I love you."  As if I'm not crying hard enough as it is, I started crying harder.  From what I could muster out, in a small, squeaky, voice, I replied, "I love you, too, Ryan."  We then prayed for US, our marriage, our kids, and our house.  God grants peace to the weary and we quickly fell asleep... wrapped in each other's arms.

 

 In the days that followed we learned a few things about each other that we didn't know before;  things that we would only learn AFTER the wedding.  (1)  It's not that easy to live with someone when you're used to living with just your kids and yourself. (2) He is much more of a neat freak than he would ever have admitted to before the wedding. (3) When I get overwhelmed, I cry.  Who am I kidding?  I cry easily.  Sad stories, touching stories, a cute commercial, etc.  That's who I am.  (4) Patience truly IS a virtue.  It's also one of the fruits of the spirit.

Two weeks has passed since this night.  I am ever blessed with a husband who gives husbands around the world a GOOD name.  A man that WANTS to hear my opinion; WANTS to hear what's bothering me; WANTS to fix it (if i want him to).  A husband who is far from perfect, but who God is molding to be perfect for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More than just a conversation

It was March of this year and to this day I consider this a special gift from God himself.  Allow me to explain ......

I was baptized in January of this year, and KNEW things were about to change, however, I wasn't quite prepared for this series of events to happen.  It was one Friday night, I found myself quite restless and prayed to God that he would grant me peace and rest for the busy weekend that lay before me.  As God is always faithful, I was finally able to fall fast asleep quickly into a deep rest. 

During the next 9 1/2 hours of sleep I had received through God's grace, I was given an image, a dream, that showed me what heaven was like.  As I was walking among the clouds, I saw before me millions and millions of people and angels all signing God's praise.  They were all walking towards the brightest, whitest light I had ever seen.  The most interesting thing about this light ... you could stare directly at it without having to squint or shield your eyes, much like you would have to if staring at the sun.  The singing was the most beautiful music I had ever heard, and wanted to get closer to hear it more.

The closer I came to the light, the more I realized, I was actually in heaven hearing the angels and all those that had gone before me praising and worshiping our Lord God and Savior.  There were no streets of gold, or crystal seas.  There were no crazy looking creatures, or even anyone that I recognized from my life on Earth.  What there was, was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.... God's voice saying my name.  There are no tears allowed in Heaven, however, I fell to my knees with tears in my eyes as I was humbled to be in the presence of my creator.  Such peace, and love, and grace surrounded this moment, I couldn't have done anything else.  After waking up, this dream was that kind of dream that was so incredibly vivid, it was as though it was a memory of an event that actually happened in my lilfe, something I had actually experienced and been to.  What an awesome gift from the one the created me!

A few weeks after this dream, I was met in a dream by the complete opposite of our Lord.  I was sitting on a park bench next to a dark haired man that I could only see one side of his face.  I asked him what his name was and he told me Lucifer.  I was not fearful, or scared, or even felt the need to run.  We were having a conversation about faith.  Hebrews 11:1 has long since been my favorite verse in the bible.  In fact, it's the one verse in the bible that I revert back to when I have no idea what else to read.

"Why worry about your faith?  It's not like you've gotten anything from it anyways," stated Lucifer.  I instantly woke up to realizing I was tossing my head from left to right saying "That's not true, Satan.  God, I know that's not true."  After awaking, I immediately turned on my bedroom light, opened my bible and low and behold, Hebrews 11:1 was right where I had opened the bible.  I read it out loud several times before praying to God.  Again, this dream was just as vivid as the one I had about heaven.  After praying to our Father, I instantly fell back asleep.

To quote Natalie Grant:

The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of Your Great Name

 I spoke the Lord's name, Lucifer had no choice but to flee that conversation.  How do we defeat Satan's power?  Speak the name of our Lord and Savior; command him to leave.  Then speak the word of God. 

What God proved to me through a conversation with Lucifer:  Satan's lies will ALWAYS be defeated by the word of God 100% of the time.

The Lord replied
"When you see only one set of footprints
in the sand, it is then that I carried you."

As my first blog post, I realize that I should do a testimony of myself and where I have been and where I am headed.  In order to get a better understanding of who I am and the power of Jesus' blood that was shed on the cross for ALL mankind.

Let me start off by saying that while Footprints in the Sand is my favorite poem, it usually isn't until after hardship that I realized that I really wasn't alone, and in fact, Jesus DID carry me through it.  Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

I was 19 years old and excited for what the future held for me.  I had asked Jesus into my heart at the ripe age of 6 or 7, and never really quite knew what that meant as a kid, however it DID allow me to start taking communion .... which was a big deal, since all the grown ups did it.  At the age of 19, I met a guy that became very, very special to me.  We started off as friends, and before I knew it .... we were dating, and living together.  After 4 years of dating, we finally got married.  September 16, 2000 was our wedding date.  On this cooler September day, I was ready to be a wife and anxiously awaited the moment I said "I do."  Nothing went right this day.  The unity candle wasn't prepared the way it was supposed to be, the music was wrong, the bridal party was late showing up to the church, the photographer (my mother) had trouble with her camera, and the groomsmen were all hungover.  Looking back on this day, God did his best to stop this wedding from happening, but I was determined this was the person I was meant to marry.  Our marriage lasted 3 months before we were talking about divorce.  He was convinced that our marriage was a sham and no longer felt the desire to be married to me.  Less than a year later, we were divorced.  I was devastated that I had let someone hurt me the way he had.  He had an affair, and she was pregnant with his child.

Fast forward a year later, I am married again and this time pregnant with my first child.  I'm anxious and excited to see what my family will be.  As excited about starting a family as I was, I was also very afraid.  I couldn't make one marriage work, what made me think I could make a 2nd one work?  Worse yet, What kind of mother would I be?  I fell in love with her the day she was born, and couldn't imagine my life without her.  Jordyn Allysa was born on June 19, 2003 and I couldn't have been happier.  After 6 months of continuing to work full time and taking care of her full time, I decided to quit my job and stay at home taking care of her. 

 A year later, my husband and I were starting to fall apart.  Financially we couldn't afford our house and we struggled with intimacy.  We felt like roommates instead of husband and wife.  In May of 2006, we filed for divorce.  The house we had bought a few years earlier was up for sale and when the house sold, we would separate from each other until the remainder of the waiting period for the divorce would be final.  We finally sold the house in August of 2006, and 2 weeks before we closed, I found out I was pregnant.  I dreaded having to tell my husband, but knew I had no choice.  As we sat down to talk about what we were going to do, he pleaded with me to have an abortion.  The only thing I could think of every time that he spoke of abortion was Psalm 139:13 "For you formed my inward parts; you covered me in my mother's womb." 

As it turns out, since I was pregnant, we couldn't divorce each other as we had planned.  So now the waiting period came until the baby was born.  Worse yet, he was questioning the paternity of the child I was carrying.  We closed on the house, and we had separated in September of 2006.  He remained somewhat involved during the pregnancy, but was distant.  On March 13, 2007  Joshua [meaning God Rescues] Zachary [meaning the Lord remembers] was born.  The paternity test was administered the day he was born, and the results were that my husband was the father of this precious baby boy.  After one look at him, I could never have imagined aborting him.  He was perfect in every way, and even if me and my husband divorced, God rescued him and He remembers my decision to NOT abort him.  In May of 2007, my husband and I reconciled and decided to remain married.

It was in the beginning part of 2009 that things started to fall apart again.  We were both working, however, he was gone from Sunday night until Friday night, and I worked Friday, Saturday and Sunday night.  We never saw each other, and when we did see each other, we never spent time with each other, or talked, unless you consider arguing "talking".  I began attending church every chance I could.  My husband never wanted to join me, but I encouraged him to come with me.  When I was at church, I would pray for my marriage and for my husband; pleading with God to not let my marriage fail.  I attended every service, prayer group and support group I possibly could to save my marriage. 

In August of 2009, I came home from work one Friday night and my husband was awake waiting for me to get home.  He told me that night he was done.....done being married, done being my husband ..... just done.  The more he thought about spending 30 years with me, the less appealing it became.  I was hurt and very angry.  In my mind, I did everything I was supposed to have done to save my marriage.  I sought God, I prayed, I asked, I was knocking on the door, and I certainly wasn't receiving God's grace and mercy by my marriage ending in divorce!  How could God possibly do this to his child?  and to MY children?!  My children were God's children too, why would he allow this to happen to THEM?  Labor day weekend 2009, we separated.  I was sick to my stomach and scared and felt abandoned not only by my husband, but by my heavenly Father as well.

Through a year and a half of rebellion against God, I experienced much heartache, depression, frustration, and anger.  December 21 was my husband and my anniversary, and Christmas used to be a happy time for me.  Now, all I had left was a painful memory that haunted me every year at Christmas time.  The family I had so longed to have and to keep was falling apart and there was NOTHING I could do about it.  Funny how when we have an emptiness we can't get rid of, our hearts are hardened and we do things the way the world tells us to do them.  I sought acceptance from ANYONE that would show it to me.  Alcohol helped numb the pain, but every time I was sober, the pain came back, and usually 100 times worse than if I had never drank.

Fast forward to December 24, 2011.  I was alone on Christmas eve....for the first time ever.  Kids were with their dad, parents were out of town, and I was alone....alone, alone, alone.   I decided I would attend the Christmas eve service at church.  With a heavy heart, and tears in my eyes, I walked in to Mars Hill.   After leaving the Christmas eve service full of tears and feeling sorry for myself, I called my mom.  Something had to change.  I couldn't keep this bitterness and anger inside my heart any longer.  There had to be something better out there for me.  God doesn't allow bad things to happen with the intent on leaving us there.  I had made a committment that come the beginning of 2012, I would start going to church every Sunday and learning more about God.

January, 2012 .... I attended Resurrection Life church for the first time.  The sermon I had heard was about fasting.  I was led by God to begin fasting and seeking him more.  I obeyed and WOW, to say I was amazed is an understatement.  I heard his voice .... literally heard his voice for the first time.  "When you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."  God took me down memory lane, not to show me all my faults ..... but to show me he never left.  I was the one running away while he was the one running to me. 

 January 29, 2012, I was baptized.  Officially, I was made white by being covered in blood and all my sins were washed away as I became a totally new person.  My heart was on fire for Him, and that emptiness I felt, that anger and bitterness I carried for so long, was gone.  My life wasn't free from trials, but it certainly made it a lot easier to handle.  I began thinking differently, speaking differently, and acting differently.  I began reading my bible and began keeping a prayer journal.  I began speaking in tongues, and feeling motivated to not just visit church, but become a member, and get invovled.  The friends I had at one time that I thought were my "friends" were no longer friends.  This time, I know the friends I keep will not just be friends here on Earth ...... but we will see each other again someday in heaven too.  What greater Joy is there than the Joy that comes from the Lord?

In closing, God is the navigator, pilot, and captain, and I can't imagine anyone else more qualified for that position.  He is always faithful, never changing, and his loves truly endures forever.