When God shows up

Those that have read through my blog, know full well that I have always believed there would come a time when my health was fully restored to its original state.  It's the in between that can suck.  The time when its NOT well that can suck.  The evidence that things are not OK can make it difficult to remember a promise that was whispered so long ago.

Matthew 15:25 says, "Woman, you have great faith.  I will do as you have asked." [Jesus to the Canaanite woman.]  This verse has been a staple in my personal journey with Multiple Sclerosis.  Whenever I have doubted if it was really going to happen.  If I was REALLY going to be healed from this incurable disease, this verse makes its way back up to the surface.  Today, it was different. 

Let me explain.  It was approximately 2 weeks ago when I began feeling the exhausting symptoms of a MS relapse.  It was my leg.  I had the insatiable feeling as though I was peeing my pants, and it was running down my right leg.  After double checking and triple checking, I realized what it was.  It was confirmed with my neurologist that I, indeed, was mid MS relapse.  No steroid therapy this time, by my own decision.  I was struggling to understand WHY, when I KNOW I've been healed, is it happening AGAIN?.  I'm tired.  I'm exhausted.  God, where ARE you??!!!!  I did NOT keep silent.  I cried out in my anguish and complained to God about the bitterness this disease has done to my body.  I shouted out to him, "I NEED a reminder.  SHOW me where you are.  That this will NOT be where you leave me."

Which brings us to today.   I was traveling on US 131 southbound headed home from working in Rockford.  The symptoms of this MS relapse have begun increasing in frequency.  I have pushed through continuing to work.  I refuse to allow this disease to rob me from anything I do anymore.  As I'm about to pass a minivan on the highway, I glance over and see their license plate.  It says 1JOHN5.  Instantly, I KNEW this was something meant for me.  I asked SIRI what 1 John 5 said and when she showed me the results, a waterfall of tears began exploding from my eyes.  SIRI didn't show me 1 John 5, she showed me John 5:1. [she's not the brightest bulb in the bunch] No matter the error.  This was meant for me.  The title of the passage is The Healing Pool. 

The Jewish leaders told the man NOT to carry his mat.  However, the man said, "The one who healed me told me to pick up my mat and walk."  Essentially, negating anything the Jewish leaders told him to do or not do for that matter.  He listened to the true authority.  The true leader.  I should be so compliant. 

To the person with a minivan and the license plate that reads 1John5.  I wish I could have spoke to you.  To tell you what that one mistake SIRI made did for my heart today.  To tell you my story, not for my glory, but for God's.  To tell you how you were used by God today and you didn't even know it.

  

The Difference Maker

And he climbs on up the hill on the rock on which he stands
He looks back at the crowd
He looks down at his hands and he says
I am a difference maker

-- Need To Breathe

Shortly after finding out my diagnosis of MS was definite, I began a round of IV Steroids.  This was NOT a pleasant time for me last year when I had issues with my vision, and I was NOT looking forward to this time again.  However, I thought I would try to outsmart the insomnia that I experienced last year, and asked for a sleep aide.  I was joyful when I had a prescription sleep aide called in for me.  There's a bit of humor involved with taking the Ambien which I will share a bit later.

This time around with the IV Steroids, I had a nurse coming to our home and hooking me to an IV for 45 minutes.  I was relieved to have a nurse in our home doing this as opposed to going to the hospital to have it done like last time.  There was a black cloud hanging over my head though.  I had to have a conversation with our children about what was going on.  Especially since one of the days the nurse was scheduled to come to our home was during a time the children would be home.  The last thing I wanted was for the kids to see me hooked up to an IV and become worried or fearful of what was going on.  I prayed for wisdom and for God to give me the right words to say to them.  I was praying for my words to not instill fear or worry in their hearts, but understanding.  In essence, I told them sometimes we can not feel good, but other people can't always tell we don't feel good.  My daughter chimed in and said, "Like when I have a headache?"  "Yes," I replied, "Just like that."  I began to explain to them that I had what doctors called Multiple Sclerosis, and all that meant is there may be a time when I don't really feel good.  I tried to keep it as simple as possible and tried not to make it seem like it was really that big of a deal.... because it wasn't.  I may have MS, but I refuse to let the MS define me, or identify me.  The children were receptive and seemed to be OK.  We told them that they can talk to adults they trust (i.e. a teacher, grandparent, pastor, etc.) if they had questions or if they needed to talk about their feelings with someone other than myself or my husband.   I had no idea the groundwork God was laying for what laid ahead for us.

24 hours later, I woke up in the morning at 2AM (not uncommon while taking steroids).   I had excruciating pain in my legs, to the point the pain was what woke me up.  I decided to go to our living room hoping not to wake my husband.  I attempted to walk, and I was shocked when I had to grab onto the wall just so I didn't fall.  Oh boy, I thought.  Didn't think I'd be here.  Should I wake my husband?  No, it's not that serious.  The pain will go away.  Well, the pain did NOT go away, and I spent the next few hours wrestling with trying to get comfortable and trying not to cry.  Eventually the pain became tolerable... and by tolerable, I mean I was able to not cry.  The children awoke that morning not having any idea what was wrong with me.  As life would have it, my youngest son was having a rough morning.  He didn't sleep well and couldn't find the clothes he wanted to wear.  To a 6 yr old, this is a life altering moment.  At one point, I was frustrated, in pain, and felt like I was about to lose control and just cry.  All the other children had gotten ready and headed to the bus stop.  I found myself alone with my 6 yr old son, on the verge of tears.  In pain, I winced and got down on my knees in front of him and said to him, "Honey, remember when mommy said I might not feel good and you won't be able to tell?"  "Yes, mommy," He replied.  With tears welling up in my eyes, I told him, "Mommy is having a rough morning too."  For a minute he stopped and just looked at me, as though he was looking into my heart, and gave me hug.  He got it ... He understood.  He began to cry and apologized for the rough start to the morning he had.  I told him how much I loved his heart, and him and I were going to stop crying and make the best out of the day.  He agreed, and left for school in a much better mood than he woke up with.

It was time for me to get ready for work.  I prayed, no, I BEGGED God to take away the pain I was feeling.  I could barely stand on my own.  As I was getting ready to take a shower, I put Pandora on, and the first song I heard was The Difference Maker by Need To Breathe.  I had a revelation.  God didn't do this TO me.  God did know what I would do in response to this.  Lean on HIM, and not my own understanding.  Praise HIM, and not curse His name.  Satan had a plan to destroy my heart, and it manifested itself as Multiple Sclerosis.  God is the difference maker ... the game changer ... the trump card of all trump cards ... the right bower.  Call me crazy if you'd like, but God showed His face to me that morning.  As I was standing in the shower, crying, and begging for the pain to stop, as though a light switch was flipped, the pain was gone.  However temporary this was going to be, I didn't care.  I won't tell you of the conversation I was having with Him that morning, that's between me and Him.  However, I will tell you He IS everything He says He is.  I'm the walking, joyful, pain free, living proof.

An Unexpected Confession

I find myself in a very unexpected place in my life.  A place where, normally, I would be worried, confused, frustrated, and depressed.  Let me start by saying that all those feelings and emotions are flesh emotions, meaning, my brain has a tendency to go to that place when something happens that was not in the plan.  Well, THIS was not part of the plan, but somehow I do NOT feel worried, or confused, or frustrated, or even depressed.  I am full of joy and have a peace about this thing that I cannot explain, other than I know who I am. 

Last May, I was awaiting the results of an MRI that had been performed on my brain.  They did this in search of scar tissue lesions that would indicate Multiple Sclerosis as being the reason why my eye sight was not normal.  The afternoon I was waiting for a call from the neurologist, I fell asleep.  I had a dream that my husband and I were in the neurologist office sitting across from him.  The conversation that pursued went something like this: 

"Hannah, You have Multiple Sclerosis.  You don't have to worry though, you're only going to have it for 3 years, and you won't have it any more."

"What's going to happen in 3 years?" I asked

"You won't have it anymore." The neurologist replied.

As soon as the conversation ended, the neurologist called and told me my brain MRI showed lesions of scar tissue consistent with MS.  The problem was that all the other tests that were done showed as normal.  So, in order to be diagnosed as having MS, I would need to have another relapse, or set of symptoms.  It became a waiting game.


It was Tuesday, February 25, 2014.  I had a conversation with my neurologist about some new symptoms I had been experiencing.  I knew in my heart the reason was because I was experiencing a relapse of symptoms.  As I began talking to him, he informed me that my diagnosis was going to change from possible MS to definite MS.  I would need a repeat of the MRI of my spine to compare from last year's MRI to this year.  I knew in my heart, there would be lesions of scar tissue found, so I wasn't too worried.  As I hung up the phone, I realized I needed to have a conversation with our children and our family and let them know what's been going on.  Conversations I did NOT want to have.  I was sad.  I was disappointed.  I was relieved.  The waiting game is over and it only lasted for 9 months.

During this moment of reflection on the last year and the realization that my life isn't going to be how I planned, I remembered a dream I had 9 months ago.  "You have MS, but you will only have it for 3 years."  GOOD NEWS:  my 3 years began on February 25, 2014.  Call me crazy if you'd like, but I know that was a promise from God.  I heard his voice and I know what it sounds like. 

That night I had a class I had been attending at our church.  It is filled with some pretty amazing women doing some pretty amazing things.  I was relieved to go to class, but unsure how to tell them I needed support.  I was still feeling slightly disappointed that I had to go through this all over again.  As I got in the car, the radio was turned on and cranked pretty loud (yes, I love the radio in the car, don't judge me :p ) and the first thing I heard was

"I am, holding on to you.  In the middle of the storm, I am holding on, I am." --Crowder

This was NOT coincidence.  This was exactly what I needed to hear.   Peace in the middle of turmoil.  Joy in the middle of sadness.  Confidence in the middle of fear.  This came as a surprise to me, but not to God.  Last year I questioned what my faith would mean if I began taking medication for this illness.  How would my faith be shown if I believed God had healed me and I began taking medication.  I found my answer.  I was concerned about the side effects those medications were associated with.  Faith is TRUST in God.  My faith comes in believing that the side effects I COULD experience are NOT going to be side effects I WILL experience.

 I don't believe these next 3 years will be absent of hardship or struggle.  I expect there will be some there.  What I do believe is there is a great reward at the end of all this.  Like someone promising you a million dollars at the end of 3 years.  You may struggle and face hardship during those 3 years, but when the reward is given to you, imagine how joyful you would be.  My focus isn't on the now, but rather a promise that was given 9 months ago.  Until then, I will keep holding on to Him especially in the middle of this storm. 



Myth vs Truth

Love:  n. (1) an intense feeling of deep affection  (2) a person or thing that one loves.
v.  a deep romantic feeling or sexual attachment to.  [courtesy of Webster's online dictionary]


After paying attention to some of the status updates I've read on facebook, I've come to the conclusion that 99% of the people I'm connected to all share one thing in common.  Love.  The endless search for it.  The endless need to feel it. The endless desire to understand it.  How do you define something that a lot of people don't know what it is, what it looks like, or what to do with it even if/when they find it.  Let's look at what the world teaches us about love.

"A heart that hurts, is a heart in love".  If you're in love with someone, it's supposed to hurt.  Why would ANYONE enjoy pain?  So this quote is saying, if you're hurting because you love someone, it's SUPPOSED to feel that way.  It solidifies that your love is real.  Thank you, but I'll pass on THIS type of love. 

"No one falls in love by CHOICE.  It's by chance.  No one stays in love by chance.  It's by work  And no one falls out of love by chance, it's by choice."  So I can fall in love with anyone, even if I'm already in a relationship with someone else, and say it's by chance.  If one can CHOOSE to fall OUT of love, why can't someone choose to fall IN love?  This kind of love would make a slave out of those that believe this love is the real love.  You don't have a choice.  I don't want to experience a love that I feel I'm a prisoner to.  Thank you, but I'll pass on THIS kind of love also.

In 2009, American Idol hopeful Jordin Sparks is found singing "Battlefield" on youtube.  In this song, she talks about how vulnerable she feels because she's in love. " One minute it's love and the next it's like a battlefield.  Why does love always feel like a battlefield?"  According to this song, better put some armor on if you find yourself loving someone.  You need to protect yourself since love is the same as war.  If you're always fighting a war with the one you love, it's OK.  It's normal.  That's what love is.  I HATE confrontation.  I do not want ANY part of THIS kind of love.

Love is defined in many ways in the Bible.  The first is found in 1 John 4:8 "God is love."  Love is one of the main characteristics of God.  Since we are created in His image, we are designed by Him to have the capacity to love.  God created our hearts which makes us feel.  He also created the Love that makes it real.  The Bible speaks of 2 kinds of love:  agape, and phileo.  Agape love is the kind of love God pours out onto us and is displayed by the cross.  Agape love is God's love which is unconditional. The only way for us humans to experience Agape love is to have a relationship with God.  Non believers are incapable of experiencing Agape love since God IS Agape love.  God's love is giving without the expectation of anything in return.

Phileo love is the kind of love that both believers and non believers can experience.  Phileo is translated from Greek as "brotherly love".   This is the kind of love that both believers and nonbelievers have the ability to feel.  As humans, we have a tendency to have conditional love.  We base how much we love by the emotions and actions of those around us.  As believers, we are called to exhibit the type of love that God has shown to us.  Since we as believers have the ability to experience God's love, we are taught to extend that love to those around us. 

The kind of love that I want to experience is that which doesn't make me prisoner, that which doesn't hurt, and that which doesn't feel like I'm fighting a war. 


THIS is the love I want to experience.  1 Corinthians 13:4-7  One that I can make mistakes and won't be held against me.  [it keeps no record of wrongs]  One that doesn't have an ulterior motive [it is not self-seeking]  One that will never fail [always perseveres]  We are imperfect beings incapable of ever producing anything perfect.  The only way to experience this perfect Love is through a relationship with the One that created it.  According to the Bible, Love is displayed by caring in action.  Love is not something we feel, but rather Love is something we DO.

A Christmas to Remember

Immanuel, translated "God with us."

 

 

When I was young, my mother and my father were divorced.  In fact, as far back as I can remember, my parents were never together.  When I think of my childhood, I have good memories, but there are quite a few not so good memories too.  Both of my parents eventually remarried and eventually had more children with their 2nd spouses.  I have one sister that shares the same mother and the same father as I do.  The other 6 have only one parent that we share. 

 

The relationship I had with my step-mother was as though she had given birth to me, and as this relationship developed, the relationship between my mother and myself became estranged.  My mother and I had a rough patch where we didn't speak to each other for a period of time.  Looking back on it, I was hurting, but I didn't know what from.  Later, I would learn that divorce hurts a LOT more than just the parents involved, no matter how old you are.  It SUCKED being a kid and having to decide which side to be loyal to the most.  It was like trying to cheer for both teams playing against each other.  It's not natural.

 

In a previous post I mentioned that I was baptized for the first time in January of 2012.  I KNEW my life would be different....but I had no idea the works God had in progress.  There was a point in my life I thought I would never live to see the day that the relationship between my mother and I would be the kind that my heart desired for so long.  We didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things, and it seemed we were destined to not agree on anything.  After being baptized, I realized that God is a God that can restore ... and He's the ONLY one that can restore.  When our relationship with God isn't right, no other relationships in our life can be right.  I had a conversation with my step mother shortly after being baptized about my mother.  I was confused on what I needed to do to mend that broken relationship.  In my step-mother's words, "You need to pray for your mother.  God calls us to pray for those relationships we have a difficult time with."  This seemed like the best advice I had ever been given.  I had tried several other attempts, but I had never actually prayed for my relationship with her.  It was at that time I began praying for her, for my sisters, and for their hearts to hear God's voice.  I prayed for restoration, for peace, and for them to someday know the awesome power of God's love.

 

Fast forward to late summer of 2013.  I received a call from my mother telling me that her and my sister were part of a re-affirmation of faith ceremony taking place at the church they had been attending.  Hold on.  WHAT???!!!!  MY  MOTHER AND SISTER WERE AFFIRMING THEIR FAITH IN CHURCH??!!!!  God is so FAITHFUL. 

 

This Christmas, I have a lot to rejoice about.  I have a new husband, a new family, a new life to share with my best friend.  God has blessed me with so much more than I will ever deserve.  I was asked what I wanted for Christmas, and to be honest, I have NOTHING I want or need.  I received the most amazing gift last night.  It was unexpected, but definitely the best gift ever.  It was the Resurrection Life Church's annual Women's Christmas Tea.  I decided to host my own table and decorate it all girly and Christmasy and invite some pretty special women in my life to come.  This included my mother, my step mother, and my 3 sisters.  This also meant that my mother and my step-mother would be sitting across from each other at the same table.  This has never been done before. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed that God would allow this night to happen.  After sending the invites out to all the ladies, I was overwhelmed by the response.  Everyone invited was coming.  And for the record, my mother and step-mother knew about each other coming before the tea, and yet they both were happy to come. 

 

At the Christmas Tea, our guest singer/speaker was Ilonka Deaton.  If you have never heard of her or her voice, you MUST.  She is extremely talented and gifted and I could listen to her sing me to sleep every night.  Simply Amazing.  You can find her here:  ILONKA DEATON.  Ilonka's testimony is beautiful.  It's a story of triumph and victory.  I had NO idea what was about to happen.  My older sister, the one that we share both the same parents, broke down crying at the end of Ilonka's testimony.  In her words, "It was like I was the only one in the room and she was speaking directly to me."  My younger sister, whom we share only the same mother, shared later that she heard God's voice speaking directly to her as Ilonka was speaking.  My mother and my step-mother sat at the same table across from each other and laughed together.  WHAT??!!!  MY MOTHER AND STEP-MOTHER SAT ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER AND LAUGHED TOGETHER.  This had never happened in the history of my mother and step-mother.  My sisters were hearing God's voice for the first time EVER!!!  THIS was the best Christmas gift God could ever have given me.  Seeing my family come together in God's name was one thing.  Knowing they could hear him was something completely different.  I couldn't help but cry tears of phenomenal Joy that this occurred, and I got to witness it!  God orchestrated this entire event JUST for this moment.  I just got to be his hands, feet and mouth to follow through with His plan.  There is no greater gift or feeling that could ever replace that.  No amount of money, no amount of material gifts that I could ever receive that would replace the Joy that filled my heart. 

 

I am so thankful for everything I have been blessed with, but I am the MOST thankful for God's amazing love being poured out onto the women in my life that are the most special to me.  The best part is that after THIS life, we will spend eternity praising the One that made moments like this possible.

  

 



Overcomer

As promised, here is my revelation post.  The one that describes the physical changes my body went through and the moment I understood the kind of faith it takes to step out of my own boat and walk on the water with Jesus.

I looked at myself one morning and realized the damaging effects of taking steroids for 2 weeks.  Forget about the science part of it, they physical effects were far more damaging.  What I saw in the mirror disgusted me.  None of my clothes fit me anymore and I truly felt like I weighed nearly a ton.  To make matters worse, a massage client of mine had noticed my rapid weight gain.  She had stated, "are you feeling ok dear?  You look a little puffy in your face."  Boy if she only knew what ran through my mind. 

So I did some research on the medications that my neurologist was wanting me to start taking.  All of these medications were administered through an injection, similar to what a diabetic has to do to take insulin.  The common side effects were flu like symptoms 2-4 hours post injection, headache, irritability, redness and swelling at the injection site, suicidal tendencies, and the list goes on.  NONE of this sounded like I would be OK with dealing.  If at this point it's only a RISK of developing MS, I couldn't fathom taking a medication that would affect me in that way.  The bottom line was I found a study that researched the efficacy of 2 MS medications.  Essentially, it was a study for those people who had a one time event like I did that didn't take any medication versus people who had a one time event like I had that did take medication and the time frame of relapse (when another event happened).  As it turns out, they were separated by only MONTHS....not YEARS.  It was this piece of information that I decided I would refuse medication and give this ENTIRELY over to God.

When I sat down with my husband to explain my reasons why I didn't want to take medication, he was hesitant.  He warned me to not take on the attitude that I can do nothing and God will heal me.  We had several conversations about faith requiring ACTION.  That's when I decided my action would consist of BELIEVING I had already been healed, even if I didn't FEEL healed.  CHANGING my lifestyle... eating habits, exercising habits, making better choices, etc.  So I reached out to a dear friend of mine that had completed a training program and totally changed her life.  She was eating the foods that I KNEW I had to begin eating.  She was a genius in my eyes for the way her life was changed through different eating habits and exercise.  If you'd like to read a bit about her story, here's her link:  Alex Street.

Alex's foundation of faith is very similar to mine.  We believe the same about God and our trust in him is equivocal.  I KNEW I could trust Alex to point me in the right direction.  When she reached out to me, knowing my situation, I explained to her that I needed a radical change in my lifestyle.  I knew the nutrition my body so needed in order to get healthy again.  She talked to me about a new program beachbody was releasing and thought it would be perfect for my work and family schedule.  She was AMAZING at supporting the highs AND lows I went through.  Alex introduced me to Focus T25 and beachbody's super nutritious shake called shakeology.  Through the next 10 weeks I would push my body harder than I had in a very long time.

Alex had encouraged me to take a before picture.  Something to look back on the when the feeling of NOT exercising ever hit me.  Something to remind myself WHY I started in the first place.  I decided in order to give myself an accurate depiction of what I looked like, I would put on my bikini.  Boy was I depressed when I saw myself in the mirror.  Here's what I looked like BEFORE my life changed:



Fat rolls EVERYWHERE ... totally  NOT what I thought I would see.  I had roughly 20lbs to lose, just to get back to what I weighed when I married my husband in March.  I HATED what I saw.

Alex had helped with educating me how to lose weight HEALTHY.  What choices I needed to make in planning meals and reducing cravings.  I love food.  I enjoyed diet coke and coffee and sweets.  It was during this time I learned a TON about why we crave certain foods.  As it turns out, our bodies start craving certain foods because of the nutrition it's LACKING.  hmmm ... who knew?

I stepped on the scale at the beginning of my journey and measured my waist, my bust, and my hips.  I vowed to not step on the scale again until I was halfway through my lifestyle change.  I didn't want to feel defeat before I was halfway through.   That number on the scale was my focus to begin with, but like many other things in my life, my focus changed.  It began to be more about what I saw in my body, and not the number on the scale.

5 weeks later, I took another picture, in the same bikini.  I was SHOCKED when I slipped it on.  After taking the first picture, I left the ties on the side of the bottoms exactly as they were that dreadful day.  When I slipped it on 5 weeks later it was too big!  My hard work was paying off even IF the scale didn't show it like I thought it should.  5 weeks later, my body had changed.

While the scale didn't reflect the pounds I had lost, I had lost inches.  Inches around my waist, around my hips and around my bust.  I was ecstatic!  Finally I was seeing changes in my body.  I was eating healthy, I was exercising daily, I was praising God for the changes I was making in my life and the best part was when my new husband took notice of my efforts.

A lot of the workouts I had done were modified to what I was capable of doing.  I pushed myself, but often times during my workouts, the vision in my eye would become impaired, temporarily.  I liked to think of it as the moment that healing was taking place.  My depth perception was slightly off.  Instead of listening to the voice in my head that said I was going to experience another attack, I praised God and recited his word, "By His stripes you are healed," and "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." God had done some pretty amazing things on my inside and I wanted the outside to match the inside.

In the story of Jesus walking on the water, Jesus was watching the boat the disciples were in as the storm was moving in over the water.  So He decided to visit them, by walking on the water TO them.  Through the chaos, through the turmoil, Jesus met the disciples right where they were.  Peter was so amazed he asked Jesus if he could walk to him on the water.  Jesus' answered yes, come!  Peter stepped out of the boat and began walking on the water WITH Jesus.  It wasn't until Peter became distracted by the wind and the waves that he began to sink.  Peter's faith made it possible to walk on the water, but when his focus was taken off of Jesus, he lost sight of his faith, causing him to begin sinking.  What does this teach us about our faith?  As long as our focus is on Him, we will NEVER sink.    What happened next was amazing.  Jesus picked Peter right up and brought him back to safety.  It was then that Jesus commanded the wind and the storm to cease and it did. 

Right around this transformation time, Mandisa came out with a new song called Overcomer.  What an inspiration it was during this time for me.  Jesus overcame death for us so that we can overcome whatever it is that hits us.  In her video, Mandisa showcases celebrities that have overcome cancer, brain tumors, and weight issues. I have also included a link to my beachbody website for those that would like some more information on the products I used and what worked for me:
Change Happens Now  

When Love sees you

It was the third day I was undergoing IV steroids.  When the doctor had told me some common side effects I would experience included insomnia, irritability, and eating non stop, he wasn't kidding.  I would fall asleep ok at my normal bed time, but I would sleep for a maximum of 3-4 hours before I would wake up.  And the possibility of falling back asleep was non existent.  For a brief period I believed this was the worst side effect, but a week later I realized it wasn't.  I would deal with the insomnia and irritability before I would ever deal with this ONE side effect that drove me NUTS.

I woke up on day 5 of steroids.  The plan was to take oral steroids for 2 weeks to wean my system off of them.  I went into the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for the day.  When I looked in the mirror, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  I didn't even recognize my own face.  I had gained approximately 10 lbs of water weight in just 5 short days.  I was bloated.  I thought, maybe if I just put some make up on, it'll look normal, or at least how I KNOW I am supposed to look.  Unfortunately, it didn't help.

Then the voice in my head started whispering things in my ear.  You're fat.  You're ugly.  You're gross.  No amount of anything will help you look better.  I couldn't get past my physical appearance.  God had done such awesome work inside of me, that I LONGED for the outside to look how the inside felt.  It was this very moment I was feeling hopeless and decided to blast the radio to take my mind off of the revelation I had just experienced about the way I saw myself.   Here's what I heard:



What an amazing reminder right when I needed it.  While I was busy concerned about the outward appearance, God didn't see ANY of that.  I mean ANY.  He didn't see the physical side.  While I saw my broken-ness and my struggles, He didn't.  While I saw the shame that my husband must have been seeing about marrying me, Neither my husband nor God saw any of that.  God saw the opportunity to make his power perfect.  It is written in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  I was weak and unable to stand by myself, but God's power is PERFECT when I'm weak.  I reminded myself of that over and over and over until one summer afternoon......

It wasn't until August one afternoon that my eyesight in my right eye came back .... normal.  I could see the same out of my right eye as I could in my left eye.  Praise GOD.  I had never been more joyful in my life. 

In 3 months time, here's what I have learned.  First, I am NOT invincible, nor am I untouchable.  Just because the power of God lives inside me, doesn't make me perfect.  It certainly doesn't make me immune to any of Satan's attacks.  In fact, it makes me MORE of a target, and I'm honored that Satan sees me that way.  Second, God didn't do this TO me, He allowed this FOR me.  I have a heart for those suffering from MS.  Those in limbo awaiting a definite diagnosis, and those that have suffered from the symptoms of MS.  It's awful and wretched.  The desire of my heart is that my story would reach someone and touch their heart in the same way God touched mine.  There was never a point in my life that I had ever leaned on God's strength like I did during this past year.  Third, Satan is AWESOME at disguising his lies to appear as though it were truth.

 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  This included losing over 20lbs of weight I had gained during the course of steroids I had taken.  This included changing my lifestyle, my eating habits, my exercise habits, and my thoughts about my physical appearance.  This included praising him when I was afraid and praising him when my heart was heavy. The next post will show the radical changes I made to my diet and exercise and the person that stood next to me during that journey.