Luke 6:38

I had no idea this verse existed in the bible until today.  This verse would resound in my head in such a way that only the Holy Spirit could be speaking these words to me.  Directly to me.  No one else. It is as if the writer 2500 years ago wrote this verse specifically for me for this particular day.  As though it was meant for no other occasion than today.  This day.  This moment.  This beautifully orchestrated, life altering, heart melting, awesome moment.  What is this moment, you're probably wondering.  Let's take a journey together.

Christmas is by far my most favorite holiday.  Not just because of the birth of Christ, but because of the magic this holiday carries with it.  Hearing a real life Christmas story warms my heart.  Brings tears to me eyes.  The whole 9 yards, and I LOVE it.  Until this year.  November 1 rolled around and the hustle and bustle of the season was starting to rear it's ugly head.  A few weeks later, I could feel, literally feel, my heart turning, and it wasn't for the better.  My heart was turning cold, and I was very much well aware.  I was, however, perfectly content with me and my bad attitude keeping each other company.  After seeing how this was affecting my family, I decided I needed to figure out what was going on.  To this day, I'm not really sure what was happening or why I started feeling the way I did.  I did however, know how to get rid of it.  God was calling me to give.  Not just give my old things a way, but really Give.  Give to the point it hurt.  I made the decision to sponsor a family for Christmas.  Not just buy presents for the children, but also for the parents.  EVERYONE.  I was going to give and bless a family so that in return I, myself, would be blessed, and this thing, whatever it was, that was turning my heart to ice, would go away.

I began talking to a dear friend of mine who connected me to a family that was desperately in need.  She was a 20 yr old single mother of a 2 yr old child.  She was in the middle of a divorce because of domestic violence.  She was also caring for her 18 yr old mentally challenged sister.  All of this while working 2 jobs, and not receiving any state assistance.  I prayed that the giving me and my family would do this year would be so great that the only way we could possibly give that way was if God was directly in the middle of it.  As I was picking out gifts for this family, God began tugging on my heart strings.  What He was about to tell me to do next logically didn't make sense.  And because it didn't make sense, I was going to throw a tantrum and honestly, struggle.  Internal struggles suck.  You can't EVER get away from them.  Much like you can't ever get away from God.  I began feeling like Jonah, about to get eaten by a whale.  

A beautiful friend of mine approached me one night and asked how I had been doing.  She felt God had placed me heavily on her heart for about a month and she wondered how things had been going for me.  It was then I told her about my internal struggle.  About how a month's worth of wages is what God was telling me to give away.  Worse yet, I hadn't told my husband.  I decided I would pray that God would speak through my husband.  If there was resistance, I would know it wasn't OK.  My husband's response to me telling him about giving my wages away, was "It's no big deal," Apparently we had a stash of money somewhere I knew nothing about.  This was SUCH a big deal  Why didn't my husband care??!!!  Because it was NOT a big deal to him or God.  Just me.  I finally quit kicking and screaming and proceeded to pick up a gift card in the amount of my month's wages.  Oddly, enough, after doing what God told me to do, I became a joyful giver.  The girl who 24 hours earlier was feeling like Jonah.  I was now the girl who couldn't WAIT to give this family a blessing they had no idea was coming.  Unexpected, abundant, beautiful blessing.  I was now the widow that gave her last 2 coins.

This brings us to today.  I had the opportunity to deliver the gifts and the gift card to the family we were sponsoring.  My husband, all 4 of my children, and myself along with some others delivered these gifts.  I handed an envelope to my 20 yr old single mother and told her it was for her, but she had to open it while I was there.  A smile that could light up a midnight sky beamed from her face and I was overwhelmed with Joy.  As she read aloud the message I personally wrote for her on the card, it wasn't until she actually SAW and began to comprehend how much was on that gift card that tears began to fall.  Tears so intense she couldn't finish reading the card.  I did what any normal person would do.  Run over to her and embrace her as though she was my own child that I was comforting.  We stood there weeping together.  Not tears of sadness.  Hers were tears of gratitude.  Mine were tears of gratitude.  Both for completely different reasons for the gratitude but we were one in the same in that moment.  She began sharing how difficult the last year has been for her and her family.  How she works 2 jobs to support her family and rarely gets a day off.  This single act of generosity would stay with her ... forever.  I looked up at my husband to realize he was also crying.  Tears of utter JOY.

It was because of her my heart didn't turn to stone.  It was because of her God answered my prayer.  He was right smack dab in the middle of  this story.  Without him, NOTHING would be possible.

When God shows up

Those that have read through my blog, know full well that I have always believed there would come a time when my health was fully restored to its original state.  It's the in between that can suck.  The time when its NOT well that can suck.  The evidence that things are not OK can make it difficult to remember a promise that was whispered so long ago.

Matthew 15:25 says, "Woman, you have great faith.  I will do as you have asked." [Jesus to the Canaanite woman.]  This verse has been a staple in my personal journey with Multiple Sclerosis.  Whenever I have doubted if it was really going to happen.  If I was REALLY going to be healed from this incurable disease, this verse makes its way back up to the surface.  Today, it was different. 

Let me explain.  It was approximately 2 weeks ago when I began feeling the exhausting symptoms of a MS relapse.  It was my leg.  I had the insatiable feeling as though I was peeing my pants, and it was running down my right leg.  After double checking and triple checking, I realized what it was.  It was confirmed with my neurologist that I, indeed, was mid MS relapse.  No steroid therapy this time, by my own decision.  I was struggling to understand WHY, when I KNOW I've been healed, is it happening AGAIN?.  I'm tired.  I'm exhausted.  God, where ARE you??!!!!  I did NOT keep silent.  I cried out in my anguish and complained to God about the bitterness this disease has done to my body.  I shouted out to him, "I NEED a reminder.  SHOW me where you are.  That this will NOT be where you leave me."

Which brings us to today.   I was traveling on US 131 southbound headed home from working in Rockford.  The symptoms of this MS relapse have begun increasing in frequency.  I have pushed through continuing to work.  I refuse to allow this disease to rob me from anything I do anymore.  As I'm about to pass a minivan on the highway, I glance over and see their license plate.  It says 1JOHN5.  Instantly, I KNEW this was something meant for me.  I asked SIRI what 1 John 5 said and when she showed me the results, a waterfall of tears began exploding from my eyes.  SIRI didn't show me 1 John 5, she showed me John 5:1. [she's not the brightest bulb in the bunch] No matter the error.  This was meant for me.  The title of the passage is The Healing Pool. 

The Jewish leaders told the man NOT to carry his mat.  However, the man said, "The one who healed me told me to pick up my mat and walk."  Essentially, negating anything the Jewish leaders told him to do or not do for that matter.  He listened to the true authority.  The true leader.  I should be so compliant. 

To the person with a minivan and the license plate that reads 1John5.  I wish I could have spoke to you.  To tell you what that one mistake SIRI made did for my heart today.  To tell you my story, not for my glory, but for God's.  To tell you how you were used by God today and you didn't even know it.